Update: MFT3 office re-opening for afternoon appointments, 8/29/2011

Posted on 8/29/2011 by

Good news!  Power has been restored to our office building; existing afternoon appointments will be honored.  Thanks for your patience with this changing situation!

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MFT3 office closed today, 8/29/2011

Posted on 8/29/2011 by
Hurricane Irene

Hurricane Irene

Due to a hurricane-related power outage in our office building, MFT3 will be closed today. All appointments for 8/29/2011 are cancelled.  Please call 203-416-6008 for more information and/or to reschedule.

We have no information about or estimated time for restoration of power.  Please stay tuned to this blog or our Facebook page for the latest news of the office’s reopening.

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Accountability

Posted on 8/3/2011 by

Sitting still with accountability

It’s easy to say, somewhat easy to spell, yet oh so hard to do, at least in certain situations. One situation that has a particularly prickly relationship with accountability is the one with addiction. Remember the dragon? He hates accountability. Nope, no fun at all, not for him.

Accountability seems to be a vague value for so many people. In the room of therapy, here is what it means. It means we will have to take responsibility for our actions and words. We will have to feel pain and not try to rationalize it away. We will have to ignore the urge to minimize or dramatize actual events, but relate them accurately with all their warts or modest accolades. It means some will be proud, some will judge, some will not care and some will possibly try to undermine or retaliate. It then means that we do not respond, that we accept the fact that our actions have reactions, reciprocity, and that we don’t get to always be the weavers of the tale that follows. Sometimes we have to sit with the reality of the situation and just let it be.

Man, this is hard stuff to teach in therapy! It sounds so neat and simple yet it is the undercurrent of so much of what we do. Can client A sit with the pain of an over-reaction and let it feel bad and then let it move away? Can client B sit with a stunning realization without the usual snide comeback? Can client C allow the truth of a situation to be OK and isolated and not “kitchen sink” old issues to muddy the moment?

Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn’t. We aren’t looking for perfection (that’s a whole other blog post) but slight shades of improvement, insight, to string together a few successes and allow them to resonate more than the old pattern.

Come on in, the water’s great!

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Facing the Dragon

Posted on 6/22/2011 by

not-so-scary dragon

not-so-scary dragon

Dragons are all around us, it’s just that we can’t see them. Well, we can if we redefine them properly. Fire breathing dragons are the hosts of addiction. Yes addiction. And, unfortunately, addiction is all around us.

Addiction can take many forms and the most obvious are of course the worst examples. When we discuss the term “alcoholic” in session we have to work hard to eradicate the instant image of someone who is dirty, homeless, toothless and living under a bridge. As one client put it recently, “alcoholism” wears a suit and takes the train to the city every day.

Addiction is the term we prefer to use because it has fewer stereotypic images associated with it. And addiction is easier for people to associate to things other than alcohol or drugs; it doesn’t take much to illuminate how behaviors like gambling, shopping, cutting, bulimia and workaholism are all forms of addiction as well. This helps open up space to embrace new definitions of addiction, to make it more personal and easier to relate to for many.

Once we clear that hurdle, then comes the dragon. I use a fire breathing dragon as my visual analogy for what addiction really is. Addiction starts, for everyone, with the simple yet dangerous statement of, “I can’t handle _____”. This phrase, spoken from our innermost place, is the calling card for the dragon. Now, the person in pain or despair or fear has a new buddy, a fire breathing dragon. The dragon appears at one’s shoulder and says, “Hey, I hear you can’t handle _____. Well guess what? I’m a fire breathing dragon and I can handle anything! So let me help you.” To the person in turmoil this seems like a gift, a blessing, a quick fix, and so they entertain the idea. But then, the dragon adds, “Well, you see, I can help protect you from _____, but you’ll have to do something for me too.” (play the Jaws theme here). “I’ll need you to provide me with [alcohol, shopping, gambling, heroin, bingeing, etc...] to give me strength to battle the _____ that you can’t handle”. Ut oh. Remember that there’s no such thing as something for nothing, right? And folks, once the person agrees, just like that we now have addiction. Yep, it’s that easy, simple, small and harmless, on the surface, at the beginning. Unfortunately, things change rapidly as the dragon has a much more voracious appetite for the “thing” that it needs to fuel itself to battle the _____ of the person. And as time goes on the person, who has had to lie, cheat and steal to satisfy the dragon, feels that they have sacrificed so much to the dragon that, well heck, I guess we’re in this for the long haul, the dragon is the only one I can rely on, yadda yadda yadda. (In addiction we call this minimization, rationalization, projection and denial)

ALL dragons are scary

ALL dragons are scary

Addiction is very gentle and loving at the beginning but it evolves extremely rapidly. Nobody wakes up one day and says to themselves, “I think I’ll become and addict today!” But it happens everyday. If you slow down enough you will see dragons all around you.

Good thing that therapists are trained to see and slay dragons. (yes, hard to put on a resumé, but results don’t lie)

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“Judgement” Day

Posted on 5/19/2011 by

the velvet rope

It’s been hard to resist the draw of the “Rapture” scheduled for Saturday. It kind of makes posting here irrelevant, yet I am compelled to do so anyway. But what I wanted to focus on was less about “Judgement Day” and more about judgement in general.

How do we let others know our stance or beliefs about issues, topics or events? How do we clafify something that to one seems reasonable when to another it seems impossible? Where do we make room for tolerance, acknowledgement, if not understanding?

In my practice I have developed a theory (which I really should copyright or something) which I call “the Velvet Rope”. This velvet rope is the visual analogy that I use with clients to embody boundaries. Often when clients, or anyone for that matter, hears the word boundary we tend to conjure up images of brick walls, steel gates, impenetrable fortresses worthy of Get Smart.

But in reality we have many boundaries, like a velvet rope, that embody a clear signal, share information yet are open and unimposing. By that I mean that one can see past the velvet rope, it allows information to transfer freely while also setting a clear limit without force.

I introduce this theory to clients and then add in the stance of non-judgement. I don’t judge someone who puts up a velvet rope. I believe them and understand that they are telling me something that I can either agree to and conform to be allowed inside or I can choose to say no thank you and move on, all without judgement. Take the fancy restaurant as an example. You can find a velvet rope outside of one and it lets you know who they are and what is required to “play in their clubhouse” which may entail a week’s paycheck for a 5-star meal. It is a boundary that they set and then don’t hold it against the passer-by who chooses to keep looking. It conveys information to both parties; this is who we are and what is required by you (money, dress code, etc.) to join.

A velvet rope works well when we think about more emotionally charged boundaries too, like the ones we need to set with family, co-workers, or even those who believe in Judgement Day. It is informational, protective, clarifying and always, we strive for it to be non-judgemental. It’s OK that you choose one side of the rope over another, it’s not personal. This theory takes some practice but you might find it useful when setting limits with a nosy friend or a rude relation. Yes, sometimes there is initial surprise or rebuke because it wasn’t there before. But it doesn’t take long for others to get used to it and believe it and then either edit themselves to allow inclusion or for them to move on.

Boundaries don’t have to be big or mean to be effective. And they don’t have to convey judgement either.

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Gratitude

Posted on 4/21/2011 by

Katherine Allen ran for a seat on the CTAMFT Board of Directors and the voting is in and she has won the position! I’d like to express my gratitude to all who voted and offer to have anyone comment here on this blog regarding topics or issues that you would like CTAMFT to address and we’ll get right on it. I am proud to represent our profession in our state, Connecticut is a leader in reform and change, and will keep you posted as to issues and events.

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There’s Danger in Black and White

Posted on 4/6/2011 by
Black and white cupcake

Black and white cupcake

Black and white, at least in therapy, is all about thinking and has nothing to do with race, color or culture. Black and white thinking is one of the major hurdles we address and challenge in therapy and it has an ability to slip into what we call rigid thinking in so many ways. A quick definition of black/white thinking is to liken it to either/or thinking. With this type of thinking, things are very rigidly and distinctly drawn as either/or, good/bad, on/off, with me/against me, right/wrong. Yet in reality, there are very few things that can be so cleanly defined or separated. Rather, the world is host to a dizzying array of gray, many subtleties and perceptions that are all valid, viable, yet for some may not be comfortable or familiar. So in therapy, we strive to first identify where the black/white has us stuck and then challenge our perceptions to find multiple plausible alternatives and enter into the gray, or for dichotomy, the both/and place.

Both/and? Why that’s crazy talk! (overheard in a therapist’s office…) Yet when we think about it a little more, we come to realize that both/and really frees us up to embrace all of the subtleties of any given situation, giving us permission then to access a greater diversity of emotions or tools to manage what we are faced with. Hmmm, not so crazy after all, now is it?

Examples of challenging black/white and embracing both/and could be: I am both angry and sad and confused and hurt. Previously someone may have only believed that they had to choose one, I am either angry or sad. In reality, we tend to be many things at once, and when faced with choosing anger over a more vulnerable emotion, like hurt, we tend to go for anger. But this is exactly where the stuck has us trapped. If we reach for anger every time we are faced with vulnerability, we never get to the core of the feeling so we aren’t able to resolve the feeling so we are stuck in being angry that our vulnerability isn’t being assuaged. See the pattern here? Rather, by embracing both/and we are able to give voice to all of the feelings we have, including the vulnerable ones, which gives us access to a wider variety of coping tools and words to help those we are seeking help from to meet our needs better. This is a great approach for kids, too. By allowing them to be many things at once they feel validated and temper tantrums tend to become less necessary.

Like the cupcake above, it is both chocolate and vanilla and it has a tinge of lemon, it is a dessert and a treat and not good for us. By linking as many things as we’d like in the and string, we come closer to the complete experience and therefore invite in more understanding for ourselves and those around us.

Try it and see for yourself. Both/and.

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A Thankful March

Posted on 3/26/2011 by
crocuses

crocuses

March has been shaping up as a banner month for MFT3 and we’d like to give a run-down of some of the highlights.

March started out with a message from the APA in which MFT3 has been chosen as a clinical field trial site for the upcoming DSM-5. This is a huge honor as MFTs have not been invited to this dance historically and with Katherine Allen, LMFT, in our little entity being among only 500 MFTs in the nation selected for this information gathering research process, well we feel pretty special about that. (here’s the FAQ)

Secondly came the great news that our associate, Erica Cannata, had sat for and successfully passed the MFT licensing exam. Horray Erica! So to her already lengthy list of credentials and accomplishments she has now added LMFT. I’m not sure we can fit all of the letters after her name on the new business cards, but just watch us make it happen!

Following this good news was the surprise honor when the AAMFT chose our blog as “blog of the week“. Being recognized on the national level for our blog is such an exciting thing. To know that this typing and sending out into the world each month is being recognized is very satisfying, someone is paying attention and appreciating the thoughts and insights that we share for those who may be contemplating therapy or looking to supplement their ongoing therapy with more information. (and now that we realize there is a larger audience, we’ll be writing more!)

ugh, snow!

actual view from actual car

Katherine Allen is also running for a seat on the CTAMFT Board of Directors and the voting is scheduled to end on March 30. Cross your fingers for her, and fellow CTAMFT members if you haven’t yet voted please do so!

And finally, on a much lighter note, it’s great to see the epic Northeast snows of winter disappear and the first signs of spring emerge. We welcome the tulip and the Robin. It’s a nice reminder that the one constant in life is change, whether we want it or not.

In closing, we hope that if you find yourself feeling stuck, there is help out there and we are happy to take your calls and answer your questions.

 

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Guilty pleasure

Posted on 3/1/2011 by

Yes, I know it’s bad to laugh, but sometimes we do need to know that no matter how bad our day seems to us, it just might be worse for someone else. Guilty pleasure, enjoy.

Awkward Family Photos

Awkward Family Photos.com

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Our Second Anniversary

Posted on 2/17/2011 by

MFT3 has turned two today. Two years of being open, establishing in a new market and eventually, serving so many wonderful people.

We’d just like to pause as we enter year three and say thank you to all who have put their trust in us. We are grateful for your loyalty and honored to continue to serve you.

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