More times than I can count I have been sitting across the room from a client who is troubled and confused and had them state, “just tell me what to do” or “just give me some advice”. Hmmm, this is a sticky situation because while I am thrilled that this client has come seeking change, I also don’t want them to adopt the belief or expectation that this is all there is to it, just come in, ask for advice, go away and everything will be better.

Therapy is about sitting still enough for you to tap into your own thoughts and beliefs about something and then have the therapist support you in whatever machinations are involved with facing or editing or managing that insight. We don’t sit across from people and tell them what to. Sometimes we do tell them what they are already doing and wonder how that’s working for them, but we don’t tell anyone what to do.

It’s so much more important for any individual to come to the conclusion or insight themselves and then access the belief or perspective or tools to do something different of their own accord and not because “the therapist told me to”. Because then the process is theirs and no matter how it evolves, it was their choice. If it were just us telling them what to do, how is that any different than other relationships in their lives?

In my experience, when people are told what to do they often rebel. Now, in some cases that may be an effective therapeutic intervention but I don’t believe we ever tell anyone what to do. We suggest. We wonder. We highlight options and possibilities. We clarify. We challenge and encourage and support. We do not give advice. Let’s save that for the syndicated columns.

This is a reminder that the Divorce Support Group will be meeting on Tuesday, January 10 at 7pm.

Hope to see you there.

The holidays present a particularly difficult time for people contemplating divorce, in the process or just recently through it. It is a time to seek more support, not less, so MFT3 will do its part by being here twice.

Contact Katherine Allen by email to reserve your spot.

The group will be meeting the second Tuesday of each month.

Cost is $30 per session.

I am hoping to bring together a diverse group of men and women who are all going through the very complicated experience of divorce. Some will be the leavers and some the left, but I hope we can move beyond the ex-bashing and into the healing of the pain, the process of re-defining yourselves and your relationships with your children. It’s about seeing the experience through others’ eyes and to feel less alone.

Katherine Allen, LMFT will be leading the groups, having each one be on a particular topic like building new holiday rituals, intimacy and belonging, financial changes, kids and extended family, conflict management and the like.

Please share this information with any other people in the contemplation, early or late parts of divorce.

Looking forward to getting started!! Please send your confirmation or questions to Katherine’s email.

Take A&E’s Intervention. An amazing show, filled with the real pain and trials that addiction submits to everyone in the system. There is no such thing as an addict in a vacuum, loved ones and the community are ultimately involved and harmed in the cycle of addiction no matter how you look at it.

They have introduced some new episode formats, like the one highlighted in the pic here, that are in-depth looks at specific types of drug classes and their impact. This particular one highlights Huffing, something that astoundingly far too many parents are not educated about or aware of. This was a powerful episode featuring not only success stories but some tragic endings as well.

I rate Intervention with 5-stars as far as its content, therapeutic viability and integrity and the educational information that is shared.

Next there is the new A&E show called Hoarders. Also touted as a therapeutic type intervention show focusing on the very real and shame-surrounded illness of hoarding. I find the show to be a bit less sound in its strength regarding therapeutic education and demonstration and a touch too voyeuristic as far as the many repeated scenes of piles of trash and belongings can be.

Although I praise A&E for their bravery in shedding light on this very real and very serious illness, I only would give it 3.5-stars due to the mild gawk-fest that it can sometimes feel like and the fact that some of the “experts” are nothing more than Professional Organizers. I would like to see more credentialed therapists and fewer Got Junk? garbage truck shots.

I would also rate the show higher if at the end, instead of posting a message along the lines of, “with the aftercare funds provided, person X plans to attend therapy”, if it stated that they are currently working in therapy. As a trained addiction professional, I see “funds provided” as a pitfall for the afflicted to go out and replenish some of the regretted losses. The lure of the old way, the pull of the “familiar bad” is more powerful than any of us truly admits.

And finally, the tragedy of what our definition of reality TV and its possibilities has fallen to, shows like The Biggest Loser and Jersey Shore. I cannot admit to having watched more than two episodes of The Biggest Loser and only one of Jersey Shore, but that was all I needed to be saddened to the core.

NBC’s The Biggest Loser empire is obviously a huge money making success, but again therapeutically, I believe it has taken far too long for this show to become serious about the very real illness of overeating, an illness that is exactly the same in its severity and life threatening potentiality as anorexia or bulimia. But our society still views individuals with this disorder as just being weak or lacking in self control, being lazy or sloppy or stupid (none of which are true). Ask any severely overweight person if they wouldn’t give anything to be healthy and the answer is a universal yes.

One particular episode I recall had the contestants battling over a “challenge”, and the challenge consisted of a huge banquet table piled high with all of their self-admitted favorite foods, their achilles heels, and the contestants were filmed struggling between their desire to win, their knowledge of being filmed, over the desire for their drug. Yes – drug.

Imagine if A&E’s Intervention used this same gimmick, and had an alcoholic presented with a table overflowing with their favorite drink, or a cocaine addict presented with a table covered in piles of glistening white flakes. The outrage would be epic, akin to torture and abuse, if not actually illegal then outright abysmally immoral.

In real life, real studies have been done somewhat along these very lines and in all cases when a severe addict was presented with the choice between $10,000 in cash or immediate access to the drug, invariably they chose the drug every time. Remember that a major tenant of addiction is immediacy.

I understand, by NBC’s trailers, that the show is now touting itself as “the only show on TV that is focused on saving lives”. While I admire this change of characterization, please refer to the above shows first and possibly rephrase that representation.

Just when you think the realm of reality TV has sunk to its lowest, along comes MTV’s Jersey Shore. The show is just actors playing out a ridiculous and insulting stereotype, there’s nothing “reality” based about it at all. Just to state the obvious, it has no therapeutic content or claims as well. There was the incident, though, where “Snooki” was punched in the face by a man in a bar, I could create an educational post about domestic violence out of this. Seriously.

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Needless to say, neither of the final 2 shows even qualify for my rating scale, it doesn’t go that low. As a person committed to helping real people make lasting change to better their lives, I cannot stand by quietly with public displays like these.

Let me know your thoughts.

There are many services offered right here in CT, particularly the Triangle Community Center located at 16 River Street in Norwalk. You can visit their website at www.ctgay.org or contact them by phone at (203) 853-0600. Learn more about their events, groups, volunteer opportunities, and scholarships or read their newsletter and search their on-line resources. 

Access PFLAG meetings for parents and family of lesbians and gays by e-mailing " target="_blank"> or visiting www.pflag.org. 

Also for those husbands and wives that have faced the struggle of a spouse coming out, visit www.straightspouse.org for support, book recommendations for adults and children and pertinent information about navigating this sensitive family transition. You can explore this topic further with the book “Living Two Lives: Married to a Man, In Love with a Woman”, by Joanne Fleisher. 

We hope that this may be the first step in connecting GLBT individuals and families to valuable services that may enrich their experience.

Of course, MFT3 is also a resource for those seeking individual, couple or family therapy when a family member or members is dealing with some of the difficulties associated with coming out, developing support systems, and opening up the conversation in a new way. Don’t hesitate to contact us at " target="_blank"> or at (203) 416-6008.

How can you tell if someone is losing control regarding alcohol or drugs? As a therapist, I have yet to meet a family or client that has not been impacted by the effects of SA in their lives, be it themselves, a family member, a close friend or colleague. Some of the warning signs are: isolating one’s self, “needing” one more drink than everyone else, making excuses as to why or how much one is drinking or using drugs, arriving at a social event already having drank or used drugs on one’s own and being “primed”, getting angry if there aren’t drugs or alcohol available at a social event.

These are just a few signs that a person may be struggling with SA. You may have seen these behaviors and others in yourself or a loved one. But know that if you suspect that something is off balance, it usually is.

Here are some useful and free links for information for you or someone you care about in regards to education about the signs and risks of SA, as well as places to seek help. And of course, the therapists at MFT3 are all experienced and available to assist you or someone you love should SA be an issue in your lives.

• Free InfoLine help can be found 24/7 by dialing 2-1-1 from any phone, or at www.infoline.org
• National Institute on Drug Abuse, links for parents http://www.nida.nih.gov/parent-teacher.html
• For a full list of Addiction Services in lower Fairfield County, please visit http://www.ct.gov/dmhas/cwp/view.asp?a=2902&q=335230
• Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. www.al-anon.alateen.org
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) World Services, Inc. www.aa.org
• In Connecticut, visit www.ct-aa.org
• National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. (NCADD) www.ncadd.org
• National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) www.niaaa.nih.gov
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) www.samhsa.gov or call 1-800-662-HELP