Regarding Jessi Slaughter and the whole cyber bullying firestorm, this event perfectly encapsulates why tweens (and most teens) should not have access to the entirety of the internet. Here is a site that lays out the entire series of events, please watch with caution.

Turn the clock back 30 years and this same drama plays out in a tween’s bedroom in Anytown, America and there is no harm done because that’s where it stays. When you add the medium of the internet and invite in the entire world, things can go bad quickly.

Developmentally, every tween is going to experiment with personas, fantasy, imitation and release. When this is done in the safety of one’s bedroom or rumpus room, without the medium of the internet, then all is well. Who doesn’t remember grabbing a bottle of shampoo and singing along to the lyrics of Michael Jackson or Madonna (I’m dating myself). In hindsight we realize we had no idea of what the lyrics really meant, it was more about embracing the style and culture of the “now” of our childhood.

Additionally, tweendom is a phase of development when it is literally impossible for the youth brain to concieve of long term consequences for their actions, ergo why we have parents in charge. Parents MUST make it their number one job to be well versed with what the tweens are dabbling in or else make entirely sure that they have absolutely no access to this level of potential harm.

It has been quoted by the mother that “she cannot watch over her child 24/7″ so…shrug shoulders. This is not an acceptable stance. Parenting is not a task that we get to pick up or put down at will, to do only when we’re in the mood, it IS a full-time job and it IS your responsibility to monitor tweens’ activities. If you cannot or will not educate yourselves about the medium then remove all unsupervised access to the community. Set yourselves both up for an experience of success.

I post this as a cautionary tale and a visual reminder that our world has changed, that it is mandatory for parents to be aware of all online activities of their kids and to have a real grasp of what the medium offers, both good and bad. The web invites in the whole world, and even the most well-intentioned can stumble into foreign territory. Yes, they’re good kids, meaning no harm, but there are those out there who are looking to harm. It’s not appropriate to stick one’s head in the sand and state that “I just don’t understand it”. Our kids NEED us to understand it and keep them safe until they are old enough to do so for themselves.

The saddest part of this recent episode is how utterly unnecessary it was. If Jessi had been alone in her bedroom sans camera, this would not have been newsworthy, it would just have been a little girl experimenting and play acting, growing as all children do, in the safety of her home.

Parenting is the single hardest thing we do after relationship building and maintaining. Kids have this magical ability to sense our weakest moments and hone in for the kill, or so it seems at times. How tough is too tough? When is it OK to give in? What am I bringing to this kid-centric emotional mix?

Recently, many parents are reporting having a hard time with the balance of being tough and fun. We are all stretched a bit thin and so at the end of the day, when the homework isn’t done and the game is over and the shoes are still in the middle of the floor and the catbox hasn’t been cleaned out again – who wants to be “the bad guy”? Let our partner deal with it, I’m outta here. Or let me show my partner how it’s done – but are they even paying attention?

The crux of creating peace and balance at home is consistency and discipline. Kids (deep down) love knowing where the boundaries are and knowing that each time they check and the boundary hasn’t changed, this experience settles them so they can go on and play, make believe, be kids. If you are one of those parents that feels like the kids are picking you to death, then try this exercise in your home.

Ask kids what the rules are at school. In my experience they will trip over themselves to demonstrate that they absolutely know what they are. Then ask them what the rules are at home. (do we hear the sound of crickets chirping here?). If this is the case then I recommend the following: just adopt what already works. If your kids are well behaved at school, you consistently get good reports from teachers, then just implement the school rules at home. No re-inventing the wheel here, just adopt what they already know and understand. Brilliant! (or so I’ve been told)

Secondly, the words one uses makes a difference. Another seemingly brilliant yet utterly subtle shift is to use this phrase; “I am willing to allow (event/treat/activity) now, but the rule still stands”. This phrase, “I’m willing”, puts the parent back in the position of power. No longer is it kid winning over parent by relentless begging and wearing down, but parent letting kid know that it is parent who has made a decision, that they can take the decision away too. Subtle? Yes. But the underlying power message is clear.

Try it and see for yourselves.

Each pie piece animates a different experience, and visual cues like these may be the best way for us to reach teens where they are most comfortable, in an electronic environment.

I encourage every parent of a teen or pre-teen to watch these as well, to be prepared for the conversations that may accompany the viewing, and to train yourselves to see the signs in your teen of potential problems before they get too big.

If you want help in getting the conversation started with your teen, or need a neutral location to address potential problems that you may already see, please don’t hesitate to contact MFT3 and we can set up a session together.

Please contact MFT3 at or 203-416-6008 to schedule workshops or presentations for your group, congregation, school or business.

We look forward to working with you.

One of the exercises met with particular interest, the Balance Wheel, so I am posting it here now if anyone would like to download it for their own use.

I would like to thank everyone who came out and joined us, and we will let you know of upcoming workshops or presentations as they are scheduled.

Of course, please contact if you would like to arrange for a custom workshop or presentation for your company or organization.

Registration is required so please call 203-268-8852 if you are interested in attending this free workshop.

In the current economic climate many families who in the past have gone on vacation or sent their children to expensive camps may not have the resources to do those things this summer and may be feeling guilty and unsure of what to do with their kids this summer.

One inspired and unconventional  idea is to design a service project with your children and make that a summer long project that the whole family can participate in. If you have a service idea in mind or are looking for ideas you can go to www.serve.gov a website provided by the Corporation for National & Community Service which can help you find service projects in your community. What better way to spend your summer than to spend time with your family working to help others (and in doing so helping yourself ) and teaching a powerful lesson to your children. Having fewer financial resources only puts more emphasis on using ones personal resources. As the old adage goes… “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Few things are sweeter than working together as a family and seeing the fruits of your labor manifested in the smiling appreciative faces of the people that you’ve helped.

A gentle reminder that the best things in life really are free!

PLEASE JOIN US!

As a person devoted to the life-changing transition to motherhood, you are cordially invited to meet Nina Sutton at our latest open house:

Friday June 5 between 10 am and 4 pm at the offices of MFT3

Marriage & Family Therapy of Trumbull
2 Corporate Drive, Suite 211
Trumbull, CT 06611 (get directions via Google Maps)

To quote Nina…

Over twenty years ago, my work with mothers began. At the time, I owned one of the first contemporary nanny placement agencies in Connecticut. While my business was assisting in child care choices, my true role was to provide support to women as they faced the many obstacles and decisions along the road of balancing career and motherhood.

My passion was born. After having two daughters of my own, I have launched a practice to help women as they face many of the same life choices. In addition to my certification as the first and only certified educator of the Gottman Bringing Baby Home program in CT and a member of the Continuing Education Program of Harvard Medical School, my education also includes an MA in Psychology in Education from Teachers College, Columbia University.

We are pleased to announce the exciting partnership between Nina and MFT3. Please join us as we combine efforts in working with families along every stage of parenting. We hope Nina’s services, as well as those of MFT3, will provide your clients with the psychosocial support that is so crucial along the pre- and post-birth process.

Between 10 am and 4 pm on June 5, Nina and members of the MFT3 team will be on hand to answer your questions about our services. At 1 pm, Nina will offer a brief presentation describing the Gottman program as well as her own Becoming a Mother series.

To learn more about Nina’s work, you can visit her web site, www.ninasutton.net. For more about the Gottman program, visit the Bringing Baby Home site at www.bbhonline.org.

To confirm your attendance and or to ask questions, please contact Nina via e-mail or by phone at 203-984-6149 or 203-416-6008.

We look forward to meeting you on Friday, June 5!

At a recent “Mother’s Day Tea” at my daughter’s kindergarten class one by one with the help of their teacher, sixteen adorable six year olds read the Mother’s Day book that they had written aloud to their classmates and honored guests.  As it happened my daughter read her book first and of course I beamed as her teacher read and as my daughter looked back and forth between me and her book, making sure to catch my every reaction to her heartfelt outpouring of love for me. It was a wonderful moment and I felt so grateful to be the mother of the lovely, smart and very poised little girl that was standing in front of me. Some of the other mothers cried when their children read their books to them and I wondered why I hadn’t been moved to tears as well.

In thinking about the things involving my children that do make me cry, it occurred to me that it was the things about motherhood that you don’t often read about or see on TV that usually does it. Things like turning on the radio and listening to the Taylor Swift song “Love Story”, to which I now know all the words, because my daughter belts it out every time it comes on the radio. It’s not the song itself that makes me cry but the image of my daughter singing it knowing that one day when she’s older we’ll hear it on the radio and she’ll ask me to turn the station; not remembering or willing to admit how much she used to love the song or the way she completely identified with the princess in the song’s lyrics. Or when I talk with my 11-year-old son about why he’s not allowed to watch TV during the week and the importance of putting his best effort into everything he does; and he looks at me like I’m ruining his life.  The tears don’t come from the look he gives me, they come from the anxiety that I feel when I fear that he may never realize that we’ve taken these positions with him because we love him beyond words and just want him to have good work habits and success in his life.

The sweet and sentimental moments with my children warm my heart, but it’s the real life moments, the ones that happen at fifty miles an hour, when I begin to grieve the passing of a particular stage of my child’s development, or when I know they can’t see the benevolence behind my actions and I worry that their lack of understanding will translate into the utterly false notion that they are not loved unconditionally, that gets the tears flowing.

In truth motherhood is at times a very thankless job. An aspect of the job gets a lot less media attention!

However despite the anxiety and the constant second-guessing, it is my greatest privilege and for me clearly the reason I was put on this earth.  So today I’m going to finish the laundry, vacuum and make my kids clean their rooms. But tomorrow I’m going to get breakfast in bed, hand made cards and more hugs and kisses than I can stand. For me this is motherhood, this is my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So for those of us who “take one for the team” on a daily basis, enjoy the one day that is reserved for the “team” to take for us and have a happy Mother’s Day.