courtesy of simplysplendiferous.com

This time of year can become very anxiety ridden when we set unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and others to have a “perfect” holiday gathering.

Sometimes we need tools, like humor, to keep ourselves grounded and to remind ourselves that it’s just one day, one meal, one memory amongst thousands.

Relax, use the tools described in last year’s post, and then enjoy this humorous take from one woman who blogs under the title, “Eat Your Feelings”.

Recipe for Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

MFT3 wishes you and yours a relaxing and bountiful Thanksgiving.

Turkey Trot

Here we are, on the threshold of the “Holiday Season” and at least in my office, panic, doubt, self-loathing and dread are already at the table.

The holidays conjure up so many emotions and feelings, not to mention the fact that smell is our most powerful memory and food is akin to love in so many cultures, it’s no wonder that Thanksgiving is the harbinger of dismay for so many.

I’d like to offer some relief if I may.

Image courtesy: Rockwell Gallery Collection

First: let’s all stop trying to re-create and hold ourselves to the iconic (and fake: it’s just a painting!) Norman Rockwell idyllic image of a family holiday gathering. More often than not, there are fights, drunkenness, the “special” dish drops or is eaten by the dog, we’re missing at least one major ingredient, and Aunt Somebody throws in a snide comment about our housecleaning skills, our hair, or our culinary prowess. I have been working diligently this past week in preparing couples to be each other’s backup, to “have each other’s backs” and however crass the analogy, we often use WWE tag-team wrestling as a model. Instead of pointing out one another’s faults, let’s support one another through what may be an emotionally tough and sometimes unpredictable event. Here’s a link to a post about using yourself up for all the wrong reasons.

The Velvet Rope

Second: better yet, let’s just not invite the offending parties to our homes. I know, how dare I say something so utterly insane? But really, if the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome, then who is the insane one if Aunt So-And-So continues to be invited year after year? Embrace instead the mindset of what I have coined “the velvet rope” and set a clear, yet still somewhat inviting, boundary for the offending parties. The velvet rope is my analogy for the place we’d like to go but that place has some rules and guidelines about what kind of behavior (think moral, value) is required to ensure entry. It’s always toughest the first time when we say, essentially, “no thank you” to someone’s presence, but I assure you it gets easier as time goes on.

Third: let’s use the 80/20 principle in shifting the focus. Instead of focusing on the 20% that is awful or uncomfortable or disappointing, rather let’s focus on the 80% that we do like about our lives and the holiday. And let’s use our own lenses in this exercise, not the one that the media (e.g: Norman Rockwell et al) has set as the bar. We all have so much to be thankful for, there is a lot of good going on in our world, but it may not appear so if you go by what the “news” points out as important.

T-day 2009: the ladies prepping the bird

Here, I’ll go first. I am thankful for my loving husband and family, for a thriving practice where I feel blessed to be invited into so many miraculous lives every day. I am thankful for a dry, warm, safe home, enough of what I truly need, and the ability to keep doing what I love week after week. I am thankful for those whom I love who are far away, thankful that even in their struggles they are getting up each and every day and making a go of it again and again. I am thankful for finally buying a real turkey roaster pan and seeing how we will “christen” it this year, and I am thankful for the minor disasters of this year’s event that will become humorous stories in future years that will mark the thread of our lives together and the passing of time.

As my final gift to you this Thanksgiving, here’s a funny to make it through for those of you who need a good chuckle. Hint: it’s a letter from an OCD matriarch that makes Mommie Dearest look like June Cleaver.

I wish one and all a Happy Thanksgiving.

Happiness, at the core, is a state of mind, a choice, and the debate ensues regarding money and its effect. I fall into the camp of belief that money is only associated to happiness based on the degree of comfort in one’s surroundings that it can create, not that it inherently causes happiness in and of itself (picture curling up in front of a fire with stacks of $20s).

But what about serious depression? I mean, if Chevy Chase, who has lots and lots of money, has trouble finding the correct anti-depressant for 6 years, what does that say about money’s role and strength regarding happiness?

In the end, it is the quality of our relationships that influences happiness, which so perfectly brings us circling back to episode 1, and so it goes.

Be prepared for MFT3 to refer to this series often regarding the multitude of topics that were so beautifully illustrated by PBS. I hope you were as moved by it as I was.

The thing that this episode, “Facing Our Fears” so poignantly expresses is that we all do have all of these feelings, but what to do when they become unmanageable? And what does unmanageable look like, really?

As a therapist I am proud of PBS for being so thorough and explicit, going to the tough place and shedding light into some commonly dark corners. I will be using these episodes as resources for current and future clients as a launching pad for conversations about grief, trauma, depression, fear, how families of the afflicted can be affected and more.

I cannot wait to see tonight’s last episode. I hope you tune in as well. If you missed episode 2, click here to view the entire 2-hour show.

The subject was “Family, Friends and Lovers” and the focus was on the impact and importance of the relationships we have, our absolute need for them to be supportive and nurturing, and when things go awry, where and how to get help.

Even though the specific modality of Marriage and Family Therapy itself was not mentioned, the last part “Lovers”, where we follow the couple Monica and Phil through couples counseling, could not have been more appropriate regarding the actual experience that I have gone through so many dozens of times with couples myself. It was incredibly hopeful to me, as a therapist, that so many hundreds of thousands of people who may have outdated or misinformed ideas of what therapy is or looks/feels like were able to be witnesses to an actual, real, accurate experience.

Tune in tonight for part 2, click the link above if you missed part 1, and check back here tomorrow for more feedback, observation and learning.

Registration is required so please call 203-268-8852 if you are interested in attending this free workshop.

There is so much that comes with holidays, especially Thanksgiving; the emotions, the traditions, the family juggling, all amidst your own desire for a relaxing and reflective break. I have posted a bunch of fun and informative tweets regarding thoughts on Thanksgiving, check them out at http://twitter.com/mft3.

• I am a lousy baker and quiver at the thought of making a pie from scratch, enjoy the Awl post which gave me a bit of hope.
• I know that the “letter” has made the rounds but it’s a funny classic, enjoy. (If this is your family, we are booking appointments for Monday…)
• My family is one of those grace-challenged ones so I especially liked the many ideas posed in the BlogHer post.
• And giving back, after we reflect on all of the abundance that we really do have, is always a nice way to round out this thoughtful holiday, some nice ideas and links to explore.

Above all else, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect and give thanks first and foremost for you and then for all of the other bounty and challenge that life offers each one of us.

MFT3 wishes everyone a happy, safe and healthy Thanksgiving.

Therefore I offer to you the following. July is “National Hot Dog Month” and “National Ice Cream Month”. Now that sounds like a fun, flavorful and frugal kind of celebration. It is also “National Family Reunion Month” and while this may cause more stress for some, it may also be an opportunity to reduce yourselves of some clutter by making the gathering a donation event as well, reducing your extra stuff as a family and helping others who lack some of the basics. Helping someone else and being grateful for what you still have has a wonderful healing effect.

July 18th is “Toss Away the Could-Haves and Should-Haves Day”. Should is another one of those tough words. It means that if something isn’t as it “should” be then everything else is worse or wrong. That’s a pretty high standard to meet. I can always find at least 3 to 6 alternative ways of seeing any situation. Embrace today, where you are, and realize that this is good, too.

from Wikipedia by Alvesgaspar

My favorite, though, is July is also “National Share a Sunset with your Lover Month”. This is a great free celebration that we can all enjoy. It costs nothing, just some time and some willingness to make it happen. Yeah, we’ve had more than our share of rain in CT, but there are still many sunny days ahead.

Any situation is what you make it, and Less is definitely More if you let it be. Have a great sunset!