Take a look at the end of the interview here:

Scroll in to 2:00 to see the part I am referring to. It is apparent to me, a trained clinician with depth of experience in DV, to see Ms. Richards body language shifting. I know that Oprah would never call herself a clinician, she is an entertainer, but that is exactly why I found this so poignant. Ms. Richards is obviously terribly uncomfortable. Oprah is looking to have a thorough interview, she is not trained to see that, perhaps, the alleged escalation of Mr. Sheen’s behavior has triggered something in Ms. Richards, she looks at her father in the front row for support, yet Oprah continues to ask for a better answer to her question.

What I do not believe most people understand is that DV therapy is a very slow, very gentle, very different kind of therapy than most other therapy. The therapist does not want to re-victimize the client by unwittingly continuing the stance of power and control that the perpetrator has established. A survivor may not have been the victim of physical abuse, but if a perpetrator does not seek professional assistance in changing their behavior, the pattern is always one of escalation, and allegedly, this is exactly what has happened with Mr. Sheen. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that Ms. Richards is going to shut herself down a little, have to reinforce her skills and seek safety in her answers on National TV, because she does have to be in his presence again. Oprah and we the viewers, we do not.

So my heart went out to Ms. Richards when Oprah, I believe, unwittingly assumed the role of power and control by calling her on not answering the last question, even in light of Ms. Richards looking at her father, seeking safety and support from him, yet again being pressed to do something against her will.

Domestic violence is so much more than a broken arm or an attack with a knife. Typically, many months or years of emotional, financial, verbal, psychological and even sexual abuse have taken place before the cycle is raised to a physical level. But it is a pattern of increasing escalation, no matter who the perpetrator and victim may be, famous or not, rich or poor. I see a four year battle in court to be nothing more than a continuation of the DV Mr. Sheen may have allegedly been perpetrating on Ms. Richards. What better way to ensure that she be where he wants her to be and on his terms?

I found Ms. Richards to be very brave. I completely understand her reluctance to answer questions she is not comfortable answering. I hope she continues to trust and listen to herself and not bow to others.

MFT3 is kicking off Domestic Violence Awareness Month with education, information and conversation!

As promised, Katherine Allen made a return appearance on Nina Sutton‘s radio show, One Smart Mother, heard Tuesdays at 9a on WGCH-AM 1490 of Greenwich, CT (read about our first appearance here).  You can listen to the 30 minute interview in its entirety below (also available through this direct link to the MP3):

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Today’s topic was DV among the affluent and teen dating abuse, to launch DV Awareness Month. There is far too much information to squeeze into a half-hour radio show or this blog, so please look at the resources listed below and contact DVCC’s state-wide hotline at 1-888-774-2900 to ask about events and information in your hometown.

Domestic Violence can be stopped with conversations, education and collaboration.

As mentioned on the show, here is a link to the “Love Is Not Abuse” website, and some excerpts from the “Love Is Not Abuse” teen dating curriculum (LINA sample pages). The therapists of MFT3 are all able to present this program to your school, congregation or community; please contact us if you would like to learn more.

The book, “Not to People Like Us” by Susan Weitzman, PhD is a great resource regarding upscale abuse. One thing to mention is the payoff principle hidden in upscale abuse. A woman (typically) will continue to put up with abuse on the “slot machine” principle; I have taken so much, my payday is surely to come soon. She sees his assets and gains, often projecting them onto her children’s futures, so continues to take the abuse, hoping for the elusive payday in the end.

Some local events:

• Weston DV Task Force Meeting: Friday, October 2, 9am, Weston Town Hall, open to any and all interested people.
• Weston Awareness Day: Saturday, October 3, 9am-12 noon. Town Center. There will be an official Town Proclamation by Woody Bliss, Teen Task Force bake sale, Information table and Purple Ribbon display.
• Westport Train Station Awareness Event: Thursday, October 8, 5:30am. Saugatuck train station will be where adult men and male teens will be handing out awareness materials during the morning commute, spearheaded by Westport Police Sargeant John Pitoniak.
• Metanoia-Prevent Violence Against Women: UCONN, week of October 5-9.
• On October 1 at 11:00 a.m., First Selectwoman Evonne Klein will give a Proclamation at the Darien Library declaring October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
• Ninety-one purple ribbons are tied on the trees lining the downtown area and Noroton Heights.  The purple ribbons are a symbol of remembrance for the victims of domestic violence. During the fiscal year 2008/2009, there were 91 domestic disturbance calls to the Darien Police Department.
• Posters highlighting the power and control tactics used by perpetrators of domestic abuse to control their victims will be displayed by local merchants in their storefront windows or within their store. Domestic violence is not about anger but power and control.
• Ringing of church bells on October 1 at 12:00 p.m. The bells will ring 91 times for each call made to the Darien Police Department.
• The classic film “Gaslight” will be featured at the Darien Library’s Friday Film Night on October 9.
• “The Legal System’s Response to Domestic Violence” – Presentation by Nancy Dolinsky, Senior Assistant State’s Attorney and Ken Edwards, Jr., an Inspector in the CT Chief State’s Attorney’s Office, Specialized Domestic Violence Unit – October 14, 10:00 a.m. Darien Town Hall, Room 206.
• Fairfield University: Saturday October 24, members of MFT3 will be panelists for a discussion regarding Domestic Violence.
• “Hit Me On Your Cell”: Thursday, December 3, 9-7pm, Saxe Middle School, New Canaan, CT. Several town DV task forces join with the DVCC to present a program focusing on teen digital abuse. John Seigenthaler of Weston will be the moderator. In addition, teens are working on a short video illustrating what the students have seen, heard, or experienced concerning this issue.

And the list goes on. Please feel free to contact MFT3 by e-mail or by phone at 203-416-6008 as our clinicians are trained to respond in a sensitive and confidential way to any of your questions.