This is my response to the demands made by NOW regarding Paterson and domestic violence.
Throwing Baby out with Bathwater
I am an energetic and committed advocate for breaking the cycle and silence of domestic violence, but I feel like a major opportunity is being lost with all of these demands for Paterson to step down.
Isn’t it fascinating that even the Governor of NY has a flawed and skewed definition and possibly inappropriate response to an alleged domestic violence incident. What a ripe opportunity to make serious headlines and explode the educational potential of following the Governor on a quest for enlightenment. This could be the platform to educate in a new way, break old stereotypes and shatter myths.
Governor Paterson could truly be an advocate for change by admitting that he too is not above reproach and faulty decision making in this very shameful and scary cycle. While I see how and why NOW is reacting the way they are, I would put forth my viewpoint and see if that may spur real change for masses rather than just vilifying one more individual.
This could be the opportunity for Governor Paterson to do what Tiger Woods didn’t.
I stumbled upon the Oprah show yesterday and found myself listening to Denise Richards commenting on the impact/aftermath of her ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s Christmas Day DV arrest in Aspen, CO. What struck me so much was the way in which Ms. Richards spoke, so carefully, so safely.
Take a look at the end of the interview here:
Scroll in to 2:00 to see the part I am referring to. It is apparent to me, a trained clinician with depth of experience in DV, to see Ms. Richards body language shifting. I know that Oprah would never call herself a clinician, she is an entertainer, but that is exactly why I found this so poignant. Ms. Richards is obviously terribly uncomfortable. Oprah is looking to have a thorough interview, she is not trained to see that, perhaps, the alleged escalation of Mr. Sheen’s behavior has triggered something in Ms. Richards, she looks at her father in the front row for support, yet Oprah continues to ask for a better answer to her question.
What I do not believe most people understand is that DV therapy is a very slow, very gentle, very different kind of therapy than most other therapy. The therapist does not want to re-victimize the client by unwittingly continuing the stance of power and control that the perpetrator has established. A survivor may not have been the victim of physical abuse, but if a perpetrator does not seek professional assistance in changing their behavior, the pattern is always one of escalation, and allegedly, this is exactly what has happened with Mr. Sheen. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that Ms. Richards is going to shut herself down a little, have to reinforce her skills and seek safety in her answers on National TV, because she does have to be in his presence again. Oprah and we the viewers, we do not.
So my heart went out to Ms. Richards when Oprah, I believe, unwittingly assumed the role of power and control by calling her on not answering the last question, even in light of Ms. Richards looking at her father, seeking safety and support from him, yet again being pressed to do something against her will.
Domestic violence is so much more than a broken arm or an attack with a knife. Typically, many months or years of emotional, financial, verbal, psychological and even sexual abuse have taken place before the cycle is raised to a physical level. But it is a pattern of increasing escalation, no matter who the perpetrator and victim may be, famous or not, rich or poor. I see a four year battle in court to be nothing more than a continuation of the DV Mr. Sheen may have allegedly been perpetrating on Ms. Richards. What better way to ensure that she be where he wants her to be and on his terms?
I found Ms. Richards to be very brave. I completely understand her reluctance to answer questions she is not comfortable answering. I hope she continues to trust and listen to herself and not bow to others.
I was informed today of this powerful interview that CBS Evening News and @katiecouric have run recently regarding the growing problem of teen dating abuse and violence.
The video below shows part of the CBS broadcast and then delves deeper with Jane Randel of Liz Claiborne, Vice President and developer of the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum (which is available to your school or group through MFT3), and Catherine Pierce, Deputy Director for the Justice Department’s Office on Violence Against Women.
Please watch, learn, talk with your kids, and share with as many people as you can. Remember that silence perpetuates abuse and violence, speaking up can stop it.
If you are interested in having MFT3 bring the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum to your school or group, please contact Katherine Allen at 203-416-6008 x602 or e-mail katherine@mft3.com.
As promised, Katherine Allen made a return appearance on Nina Sutton‘s radio show, One Smart Mother, heard Tuesdays at 9a on WGCH-AM 1490 of Greenwich, CT (read about our first appearance here). You can listen to the 30 minute interview in its entirety below (also available through this direct link to the MP3):
Today’s topic was DV among the affluent and teen dating abuse, to launch DV Awareness Month. There is far too much information to squeeze into a half-hour radio show or this blog, so please look at the resources listed below and contact DVCC’s state-wide hotline at 1-888-774-2900 to ask about events and information in your hometown.
Domestic Violence can be stopped with conversations, education and collaboration.
As mentioned on the show, here is a link to the “Love Is Not Abuse” website, and some excerpts from the “Love Is Not Abuse” teen dating curriculum (LINA sample pages). The therapists of MFT3 are all able to present this program to your school, congregation or community; please contact us if you would like to learn more.
The book, “Not to People Like Us” by Susan Weitzman, PhD is a great resource regarding upscale abuse. One thing to mention is the payoff principle hidden in upscale abuse. A woman (typically) will continue to put up with abuse on the “slot machine” principle; I have taken so much, my payday is surely to come soon. She sees his assets and gains, often projecting them onto her children’s futures, so continues to take the abuse, hoping for the elusive payday in the end.
Some local events:
Weston DV Task Force Meeting: Friday, October 2, 9am, Weston Town Hall, open to any and all interested people.
Weston Awareness Day: Saturday, October 3, 9am-12 noon. Town Center. There will be an official Town Proclamation by Woody Bliss, Teen Task Force bake sale, Information table and Purple Ribbon display.
Westport Train Station Awareness Event: Thursday, October 8, 5:30am. Saugatuck train station will be where adult men and male teens will be handing out awareness materials during the morning commute, spearheaded by Westport Police Sargeant John Pitoniak.
On October 1 at 11:00 a.m., First Selectwoman Evonne Klein will give a Proclamation at the Darien Library declaring October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Ninety-one purple ribbons are tied on the trees lining the downtown area and Noroton Heights. The purple ribbons are a symbol of remembrance for the victims of domestic violence. During the fiscal year 2008/2009, there were 91 domestic disturbance calls to the Darien Police Department.
Posters highlighting the power and control tactics used by perpetrators of domestic abuse to control their victims will be displayed by local merchants in their storefront windows or within their store. Domestic violence is not about anger but power and control.
Ringing of church bells on October 1 at 12:00 p.m. The bells will ring 91 times for each call made to the Darien Police Department.
The classic film “Gaslight” will be featured at the Darien Library’s Friday Film Night on October 9.
“The Legal System’s Response to Domestic Violence” – Presentation by Nancy Dolinsky, Senior Assistant State’s Attorney and Ken Edwards, Jr., an Inspector in the CT Chief State’s Attorney’s Office, Specialized Domestic Violence Unit – October 14, 10:00 a.m. Darien Town Hall, Room 206.
Fairfield University: Saturday October 24, members of MFT3 will be panelists for a discussion regarding Domestic Violence.
“Hit Me On Your Cell”: Thursday, December 3, 9-7pm, Saxe Middle School, New Canaan, CT. Several town DV task forces join with the DVCC to present a program focusing on teen digital abuse. John Seigenthaler of Weston will be the moderator. In addition, teens are working on a short video illustrating what the students have seen, heard, or experienced concerning this issue.
And the list goes on. Please feel free to contact MFT3 by e-mail or by phone at 203-416-6008 as our clinicians are trained to respond in a sensitive and confidential way to any of your questions.
This morning, I was privileged and honored to be a guest on Nina Sutton‘s radio show “One Smart Mother“, heard Tuesdays at 9a on WGCH-AM 1490 (Greenwich, CT). You can listen to the 30 minute interview in its entirety below (also available through this direct link to the MP3):
Today’s topic was one near and dear to my heart and my profession as a therapist – domestic violence. I embrace every opportunity to speak about the real face of domestic violence, to break the myths and help end the generational cycle of abuse.
As I promised on the show, here are some of the best resources (National and local) if you suspect that you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship. Remember, you don’t need a black eye or a hospital stay for a relationship to be abusive or illegal, some of the deepest and longest lasting wounds happen on the inside.
Help is ready and available. Join me in talking about this problem.
24-hour, toll-free National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFEhttp://www.ndvh.org
The first of its kind, NTDAH will operate via telephone and Web 24 hours a day and will be staffed by both teen and adult advocates. Teens (and parents) anywhere in the country can call toll free, 1-866-331-9474 or log on to the interactive Web site, loveisrespect.org
Loveisnotabuse.com Tips and tools to start the conversation with your teen, in your school, in your community.
CWF (The Center for Women and Families of Eastern Fairfield County, Inc.)
753 Fairfield Avenue, Bridgeport, CT (203) 384-9559www.cwfefc.org
Check back in October for another radio guest spot and further resources for specific populations, namely affluent victims and resources for teens regarding dating choices.
As always, MFT3 is ready and able to help if you are experiencing abuse or violence in your relationship. We can be reached at (203) 416-6008 or at info@mft3.com. All calls and emails are completely confidential.
T-SNAP (Trumbull)
Trumbull’s Special Needs Awareness Program, enabling emergency services (police, fire & EMS) to better respond when individuals with special needs are involved
TPSLD (Trumbull)
The Trumbull Parents of Students with Learning Differences supports parents of children with special needs in all town public/private schools
Notable sites
AAMFT
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
