Oftentimes in therapy I use analogies and terminology that becomes part of the new communication style of the clients, as it is meant to be. One particular term I use is called “kind regard” and it refers to the idea of keeping your partner and their attributes high in your mind, kind in your heart, reminding yourself that this is your favorite person who deserves all of the benefits of your doubt, not just your negative frame or scorn. In the process of therapy this term gets referred to time and again, often to illustrate ways to ride out “the dip” as Seth Godin may call it, or sitting with the discomfort of not knowing, as I like to refer to it. Either way, it’s trusting the process to become something different in time. Usually we draw upon this tool in the toughest of times, when things seem their darkest, as a line of hope to the other side.

Today in session one couple told me a story in which a dream was recounted and in that dream a character approached one of the partners through a sea of people and when the character reached the client, she said to him harshly “WHERE’S MY KIND REGARD!?!?” This was the magical, spontaneous belly-laugh producing moment. I am still giggling at the thought of it, heck I’m sharing it here! What a perfect example of the embrace of a new tool and then its internalization revealing itself in the form of a vivid dream. I am so happy for this couple, for their progress and for the future that lays ahead of them. They have made it through the dip, sat with the discomfort, and have arrived at the side of understanding and acceptance. There is no better day for a therapist, not in my definition at least.

So if you are waiting for a session in your therapist’s lobby and you hear a true guffaw erupt on the other side of the door, know that great things have transpired and that you too can get through the dip, maybe even with the use of some kind regard.

The New York Times Magazine had an interesting article this past weekend titled “Is Marriage Good for Your Health?” and as many can surmise, yes, marriage does have many positive side effects. If you have recently looked into purchasing health or life insurance, being married has a major impact on the rate that gets quoted (i.e: married rates are lower than single ones). This article was particularly interesting in how it goes a bit further and looks at the effect of a bad marriage, too.

I was at the CTAMFT Annual Conference on April 9 and the keynote speaker was Dr. Sue Johnson, the author of “Hold Me Tight” and the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in 1985. My insufficient summary of her field of study is that of adult attachment, especially after trauma.

During her presentation she referred to her own research study, of which a coincidentally similar research study is referred to in the Times article:

Researchers have also started to examine the salutary health effects of social relationships, including those of a good marriage. In one recent study, James A. Coan, an assistant professor of psychology and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, recruited 16 women who scored relatively high on a questionnaire assessing marital happiness. He placed each woman in three different situations while monitoring her brain with an f.M.R.I. machine, which offers a way to observe the brain’s response to almost any kind of emotional stimulation. In one situation, to simulate stress, he subjected the woman to a mild electric shock. In a second, the shock was administered, but the woman held the hand of a stranger; in a third, the hand of her husband.

Both instances of hand-holding reduced the neural activity in areas of the woman’s brain associated with stress. But when the woman was holding her husband’s hand, the effect was even greater, and it was particularly pronounced in women who had the highest marital-happiness scores. Holding a husband’s hand during the electric shock resulted in a calming of the brain regions associated with pain similar to the effect brought about by use of a pain-relieving drug.

What the article does not mention is the fourth effect – the one when the woman holds the hand of an abusive husband. Dr. Johnson’s research illustrates that when the woman holds the hand of an abusive husband, the shock is felt as extreme, the neural response is high and even a placebo calming effect of hand-holding is entirely absent.

So then how do we redefine the “marriage effect” in a more realistic light? So many couples that seek therapy are under the impression that staying together “for the sake of the kids” is the best choice, “Our parents did it and so should we”. Is it best to change the relationship first, to do the hard work of therapy, before considering leaving a marriage? Yes, absolutely. An in-tact healthy family is still the best model for successful growth, health and stability for all members. But abuse and violence are very different situations and must be handled differently as well.

The new research highlights this exact experience. Toxic environments; from the water and food we consume to the office to the home and the relationships within them, have real and lasting effects on our brains and well being in every way. Discord cannot be ignored.

Things aren’t always what they appear to be from the outside, just look at the MRIs.

I know, so many people are offput by the somewhat contrived essence of Valentine’s Day, a Hallmark cash cow and one more way for those who are un-coupled to feel even more left out. I know, I know. But that’s why I liked today’s Modern Love column in the New York Times, Explaining the Irrational: Here Goes...

It offers a look at a lot of the pitfalls of being coupled, un-coupled or not-so-sure-what-we-are. Basically, relationships are hard, confusing and messy. They are a lot of work if you want a really good one and it can take a good deal of work to get an off-track one back on track, yet that still comes in far less expensively than the d-word.

So whatever your state of coupling may be, please accept my wish for you, a wish for love filled with desire, vulnerability and bravery.

Please contact MFT3 at or 203-416-6008 to schedule workshops or presentations for your group, congregation, school or business.

We look forward to working with you.

One of the exercises met with particular interest, the Balance Wheel, so I am posting it here now if anyone would like to download it for their own use.

I would like to thank everyone who came out and joined us, and we will let you know of upcoming workshops or presentations as they are scheduled.

Of course, please contact if you would like to arrange for a custom workshop or presentation for your company or organization.