It all started with a New York Times article about the change in 18-year olds on college campuses, how they are truly unprepared for the realities of independent thinking and decision making and that it is a crisis of parental coddling country-wide. This stance was further supported in a story in Psychology Today and how the phenomenon is one of addiction to the pattern of thought and behavior, rather than a chemical.

Which leads into the recent re-report of “The Marshmallow Test” on CBS news in which the longitudinal study of 4-year olds and the ability to wait for a greater reward (the second marshmallow) has been proven to generate more successful and self-determined adults. Hmmmmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk–w

Next, I heard an NPR radio interview about the observers of violent video games having higher traumatic responses to the experience than those playing it:

It can actually be more intense to watch the game than to play it

Play

Which finally crystalized into my hurting myself in fits of laughter (and possibly sadness) by the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0VOVuxiahk

But after all is said and done, the common thread I have identified is one of a crisis of immediate gratification. It is the basis of all addiction and it unfortunately is not only ascribed to by 4-year olds desiring a marshmallow (or iPod or DS game) but by their parents too. All too often I hear parents complain about their children’s behavior issues yet in the same breath give in to a perceived societal norm, “well, how can we say no, all the other kids are doing/using it too”.

The crisis cannot be shrugged off or ignored any more. Kids are failing, employers and professors are saying no to them and they are returning home, defeated, to the very place where these mores were instilled. Since when was waiting for a long term reward associated with being bad? I remember a story about the things in life that are truly worthwhile – love, education, long-term friendship – all taking a lot of time and that bad things – the call in the night, the accident – were immediate and swift. Can we shift our society to remember that the word no is good? I have heard from education professionals that even grading has taken a hit for the worse, that rather than kids, and parents, waiting for quarterly grades to measure progress, they are considering bi-weekly grading. Where and when will it end?

Kids no longer know how to play without electronics, to make believe. I mean, “Tag” is fun! Look at sites like Streetplay.com, not just for nostalgia but for a blueprint of how to get back on track. Letting kids figure it out for themselves has great value. College freshmen are texting their parents about every little bump and bruise. Just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

How are you demonstrating the value in waiting for the second marshmallow?

Parenting is the single hardest thing we do after relationship building and maintaining. Kids have this magical ability to sense our weakest moments and hone in for the kill, or so it seems at times. How tough is too tough? When is it OK to give in? What am I bringing to this kid-centric emotional mix?

Recently, many parents are reporting having a hard time with the balance of being tough and fun. We are all stretched a bit thin and so at the end of the day, when the homework isn’t done and the game is over and the shoes are still in the middle of the floor and the catbox hasn’t been cleaned out again – who wants to be “the bad guy”? Let our partner deal with it, I’m outta here. Or let me show my partner how it’s done – but are they even paying attention?

The crux of creating peace and balance at home is consistency and discipline. Kids (deep down) love knowing where the boundaries are and knowing that each time they check and the boundary hasn’t changed, this experience settles them so they can go on and play, make believe, be kids. If you are one of those parents that feels like the kids are picking you to death, then try this exercise in your home.

Ask kids what the rules are at school. In my experience they will trip over themselves to demonstrate that they absolutely know what they are. Then ask them what the rules are at home. (do we hear the sound of crickets chirping here?). If this is the case then I recommend the following: just adopt what already works. If your kids are well behaved at school, you consistently get good reports from teachers, then just implement the school rules at home. No re-inventing the wheel here, just adopt what they already know and understand. Brilliant! (or so I’ve been told)

Secondly, the words one uses makes a difference. Another seemingly brilliant yet utterly subtle shift is to use this phrase; “I am willing to allow (event/treat/activity) now, but the rule still stands”. This phrase, “I’m willing”, puts the parent back in the position of power. No longer is it kid winning over parent by relentless begging and wearing down, but parent letting kid know that it is parent who has made a decision, that they can take the decision away too. Subtle? Yes. But the underlying power message is clear.

Try it and see for yourselves.