The work we do in session is very serious and focused, but sometimes it helps to take a momentary break and laugh a little.

I hope this little bit of levity adds a spot of joy to your day!

I am very late in commenting on this now historic event, but it has been “sticking” with me, so here is my 2-cents.

Regarding Jessi Slaughter and the whole cyber bullying firestorm, this event perfectly encapsulates why tweens (and most teens) should not have access to the entirety of the internet. Here is a site that lays out the entire series of events, please watch with caution.

Turn the clock back 30 years and this same drama plays out in a tween’s bedroom in Anytown, America and there is no harm done because that’s where it stays. When you add the medium of the internet and invite in the entire world, things can go bad quickly.

Developmentally, every tween is going to experiment with personas, fantasy, imitation and release. When this is done in the safety of one’s bedroom or rumpus room, without the medium of the internet, then all is well. Who doesn’t remember grabbing a bottle of shampoo and singing along to the lyrics of Michael Jackson or Madonna (I’m dating myself). In hindsight we realize we had no idea of what the lyrics really meant, it was more about embracing the style and culture of the “now” of our childhood.

Additionally, tweendom is a phase of development when it is literally impossible for the youth brain to concieve of long term consequences for their actions, ergo why we have parents in charge. Parents MUST make it their number one job to be well versed with what the tweens are dabbling in or else make entirely sure that they have absolutely no access to this level of potential harm.

It has been quoted by the mother that “she cannot watch over her child 24/7″ so…shrug shoulders. This is not an acceptable stance. Parenting is not a task that we get to pick up or put down at will, to do only when we’re in the mood, it IS a full-time job and it IS your responsibility to monitor tweens’ activities. If you cannot or will not educate yourselves about the medium then remove all unsupervised access to the community. Set yourselves both up for an experience of success.

I post this as a cautionary tale and a visual reminder that our world has changed, that it is mandatory for parents to be aware of all online activities of their kids and to have a real grasp of what the medium offers, both good and bad. The web invites in the whole world, and even the most well-intentioned can stumble into foreign territory. Yes, they’re good kids, meaning no harm, but there are those out there who are looking to harm. It’s not appropriate to stick one’s head in the sand and state that “I just don’t understand it”. Our kids NEED us to understand it and keep them safe until they are old enough to do so for themselves.

The saddest part of this recent episode is how utterly unnecessary it was. If Jessi had been alone in her bedroom sans camera, this would not have been newsworthy, it would just have been a little girl experimenting and play acting, growing as all children do, in the safety of her home.

This summer I hope one and all have the great opportunity to create some lifetime memories by taking a family car trip.

Recently I took just such a car trip with unexpected side effects. We headed out to Webatuck, NY to the artisan village there for a day of crafts and wandering. Unfortunately, the roadside attraction that added to the spot’s charm had been demolished, the giant chair was gone, and surprisingly so was the craft village. All that remains is one small painter’s gallery. Really? A giant chair can have that much power?

But upon further reflection I realize that why yes it does. Think back to all of the myriad car trips you have taken and see what stands out. More often than not it’s the silly or strange or amazing “thing” along the way that we really remember and not whether or not the dog threw up or Jimmy spilled his soda, or even the destination. There is power in that unusual creation that someone boldly puts out there. It’s their inner creative uniqueness that is brazenly thrown up in larger than life form and it draws us to it, we stop in awe of someone else’s inner vision.

Which is why I was melancholy when I  learned of a recent controversy over another roadside attraction. This time it’s the Vermontasaurus that is under fire. Apparently another person’s inner spark has created a brush fire of revolt and petty fines in a small town. I am saddened to think of this unique creation being cut down before it even has time to create a following. Just look at Webatuck and take heed. There is magic in the unusual and bold. Roadside attractions create an experience bigger than themselves, they can bring a community together if allowed.

So stop or take that extra 2 or 3-mile detour and go see the giant duck or funny-shaped whatchamacallit. Take pleasure in the journey, stop and see the sights. In retrospect you and the community will be glad you did.

I know, I know, who wants to think about therapy when it’s beautiful outside and there are so many other fun things to do like chase fireflies and play in sprinklers and read a book in a hammock? But relationship and emotional issues don’t go away just because the temperature reaches 80-degrees. Sometimes the unstructured time can add to the problems and discord, and that’s where summertime therapy comes in.

So the kids are at home more now, your husband has “golf with the boss”, your neighbor’s windows are open and you can hear little Johnny’s drum set even more clearly, and let’s not forget the extra alcohol consumption that the hot weather seems to invite.

Coming in for sessions in the summer may seem like a drag at first but in reality it’s a great time for therapy. First, there are usually more slots open in a clinician’s roster due to all of the above reasons so getting a time you want is probably easier. Second, having a weekly appointment can help to keep some semblance of a routine which may be helpful if not downright necessary for kids (or adults) who function better with a steady, predictable routine. Sometimes summer can be a time to dread rather than celebrate for families with this issue. Third, having your budding teen learn about safe dating practices is always a great idea but now with more free time on their hands and skimpier clothing, this education may be a lifesaver. And finally, setting aside a block of time like “the summer” to focus on building new interactional skills, practicing intimacy building tools, resolving old haunting memories, really slow down and focus on yourself – summertime therapy can be a gift for a lifetime of better functioning.

So come on in and enjoy the air conditioning, the fireflies and s’mores will be there later.

Please join us in welcoming our newest associate, Erica M. Cannata, LADC, MFT, CCDP-D, to Marriage & Family Therapy of Trumbull (MFT3).

Erica joins both Katherine Allen, M.A., LMFT and Laura Petiford, M.A., LMFT at the Trumbull location. Erica, a seasoned expert in addiction disorders and adolescent issues, is a Licensed Addiction Counselor and Certified Co-Occurring Disorders Professional Diplomate in the state of Connecticut. Erica will begin taking new clients starting June 28, 2010.

At MFT3 we understand that life can come at you fast, and that’s why we’re here to help. MFT3 can be found online at http://www.mft3.com. Visit our blog at http://blog.mft3.com or join the Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/mft3page.

Our office location is at 2 Corporate Drive, Suite 211, Trumbull CT 06611. Phone: 203-416-6008. E-mail: info@mft3.com.

Wishing one and all balance and peace.

This philosophy ties in to the base premise behind all addictive patterns, in my definition. I believe that all addiction is an attempt to self-soothe, to mask, change or alter one state of being or feeling into another by the use of outside means. OK, in plain english, it’s using drugs or alcohol or shopping, cutting, sex, gambling, bulimia to avoid, to feel something different, even if only for a short time. It’s not being able to sit with the discomfort of the tough decision or interaction or feeling in the moment. Is not the prescriber in the article implicitly defending doing this very same thing? Giving in to the perceived “quick and easy” decision by prescribing rather than sitting with the discomfort of saying “No”?

I have many clients who struggle with differing stages of use and recovery. One thing I tell every one of them is that your MD is not a mind reader, that the information you give the doctor has an enormous impact on their treatment. Nobody walks around with the label “In Recovery” on their foreheads, so it’s your responsibility to educate your care givers. Ask for non-narcotic pain relievers, mention how proud you are for X-number of days being sober, your medical care provider will appreciate and support your efforts that they may otherwise unwittingly undermine by prescribing a narcotic (which for the MD is cheaper and easier, it’s more difficult to be creative in a non-narcotic mindset).

Is this not a perpetuation of addictive behavior in a less blaming, distasteful dose?

How does addiction continue to win over healthy choices?

It is this age old battle that I continue to fight daily, choosing the discomfort, the tough choice, keeping the long-term goals in sight and saying it’s worth it. C’mon, welcome the discomfort! The harder thing, the more difficult action, will truly set you free.

The Butterfly Circus 2009

Parenting is the single hardest thing we do after relationship building and maintaining. Kids have this magical ability to sense our weakest moments and hone in for the kill, or so it seems at times. How tough is too tough? When is it OK to give in? What am I bringing to this kid-centric emotional mix?

Recently, many parents are reporting having a hard time with the balance of being tough and fun. We are all stretched a bit thin and so at the end of the day, when the homework isn’t done and the game is over and the shoes are still in the middle of the floor and the catbox hasn’t been cleaned out again – who wants to be “the bad guy”? Let our partner deal with it, I’m outta here. Or let me show my partner how it’s done – but are they even paying attention?

The crux of creating peace and balance at home is consistency and discipline. Kids (deep down) love knowing where the boundaries are and knowing that each time they check and the boundary hasn’t changed, this experience settles them so they can go on and play, make believe, be kids. If you are one of those parents that feels like the kids are picking you to death, then try this exercise in your home.

Ask kids what the rules are at school. In my experience they will trip over themselves to demonstrate that they absolutely know what they are. Then ask them what the rules are at home. (do we hear the sound of crickets chirping here?). If this is the case then I recommend the following: just adopt what already works. If your kids are well behaved at school, you consistently get good reports from teachers, then just implement the school rules at home. No re-inventing the wheel here, just adopt what they already know and understand. Brilliant! (or so I’ve been told)

Secondly, the words one uses makes a difference. Another seemingly brilliant yet utterly subtle shift is to use this phrase; “I am willing to allow (event/treat/activity) now, but the rule still stands”. This phrase, “I’m willing”, puts the parent back in the position of power. No longer is it kid winning over parent by relentless begging and wearing down, but parent letting kid know that it is parent who has made a decision, that they can take the decision away too. Subtle? Yes. But the underlying power message is clear.

Try it and see for yourselves.

Mental Health America has, as usual, loads of information for someone who may be in a stuck place, where to seek help, quizzes to gauge severity or presence of things like depression or anxiety.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) also has a very valuable website full of resources and information for the public as well as professionals.

Regular readers will recognize the next link. PBS’s “This Emotional Life” has created a unique and useful resource full of information regarding tough topics like PTSD, autism, adolescence and parenting to name a few. MFT3 is proud to be listed among the providers in the Resources section of the site.

But on a lighter note, I have discovered some atypical mental health related days or remembrances for the month of May.

For some fun yet obvious ideas, there is Hug week (May 2-8), Meditation week (May 2-8), Teen self-esteem week is also the same week. May 16-22 is Celebrate New and Old Friends week.

There is a theme of literacy in May, it is “Get Caught Reading” month as well as Read for Fun week (May 9-15) and Childrens’ Book week (May 10-16). You could read about mental health.

I found a bunch of food related themes, too. It is National Barbecue month, as well as designating specific days dedicated to celebrating hamburgers, salad, salsa, eggs, sweet vidalia onions and bread pudding recipe exchange week. Yum. To this we can add in May 6 as No Diet Day and May 11 as Eat What You Want day, followed closely by the fun-filled May 15: The Day of Families, Pizza parties and Chocolate Chips. I sense a theme here…

Oooh, speaking of chocolate chips, that leads me to my favorite day so far: May 25, Cookie Monster’s Birthday (voice Frank Oz).

Cookie Monster should also make an appearance on May 5 for the Great American Grump Out day festivities, to help out Oscar the Grouch a bit?

And to end the month on a full yet thoughtful note, May 31 reminds us that “What You Think Upon Grows” day. I use this philosophy often with clients; that if our thoughts are centered on what’s missing, then what’s missing, by definition, will have to expand.

I wish you all a month of good mental health, however you choose to create it!

The New York Times Magazine had an interesting article this past weekend titled “Is Marriage Good for Your Health?” and as many can surmise, yes, marriage does have many positive side effects. If you have recently looked into purchasing health or life insurance, being married has a major impact on the rate that gets quoted (i.e: married rates are lower than single ones). This article was particularly interesting in how it goes a bit further and looks at the effect of a bad marriage, too.

I was at the CTAMFT Annual Conference on April 9 and the keynote speaker was Dr. Sue Johnson, the author of “Hold Me Tight” and the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in 1985. My insufficient summary of her field of study is that of adult attachment, especially after trauma.

During her presentation she referred to her own research study, of which a coincidentally similar research study is referred to in the Times article:

Researchers have also started to examine the salutary health effects of social relationships, including those of a good marriage. In one recent study, James A. Coan, an assistant professor of psychology and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, recruited 16 women who scored relatively high on a questionnaire assessing marital happiness. He placed each woman in three different situations while monitoring her brain with an f.M.R.I. machine, which offers a way to observe the brain’s response to almost any kind of emotional stimulation. In one situation, to simulate stress, he subjected the woman to a mild electric shock. In a second, the shock was administered, but the woman held the hand of a stranger; in a third, the hand of her husband.

Both instances of hand-holding reduced the neural activity in areas of the woman’s brain associated with stress. But when the woman was holding her husband’s hand, the effect was even greater, and it was particularly pronounced in women who had the highest marital-happiness scores. Holding a husband’s hand during the electric shock resulted in a calming of the brain regions associated with pain similar to the effect brought about by use of a pain-relieving drug.

What the article does not mention is the fourth effect – the one when the woman holds the hand of an abusive husband. Dr. Johnson’s research illustrates that when the woman holds the hand of an abusive husband, the shock is felt as extreme, the neural response is high and even a placebo calming effect of hand-holding is entirely absent.

So then how do we redefine the “marriage effect” in a more realistic light? So many couples that seek therapy are under the impression that staying together “for the sake of the kids” is the best choice, “Our parents did it and so should we”. Is it best to change the relationship first, to do the hard work of therapy, before considering leaving a marriage? Yes, absolutely. An in-tact healthy family is still the best model for successful growth, health and stability for all members. But abuse and violence are very different situations and must be handled differently as well.

The new research highlights this exact experience. Toxic environments; from the water and food we consume to the office to the home and the relationships within them, have real and lasting effects on our brains and well being in every way. Discord cannot be ignored.

Things aren’t always what they appear to be from the outside, just look at the MRIs.