I have created a link on this blog with all of the wellness services from the event, please use it and share it with others, and I will be adding to the list as I learn of more services or opportunities.

One thing I wonder is how all of these families can come together and assist one another in a new way. Every family is struggling with burn-out, with couple breakdown, with having too much to do and not enough time. How can a community support group be built where things like shared babysitting (of trained and skilled childcare workers) is a real option, where Moms or Dads can share in carpooling to classes or workshops. Just thoughts but I’d love to hear your feedback.

Congratulations TPSLD! Keep up the great work!

Throwing Baby out with Bathwater

I am an energetic and committed advocate for breaking the cycle and silence of domestic violence, but I feel like a major opportunity is being lost with all of these demands for Paterson to step down.

Isn’t it fascinating that even the Governor of NY has a flawed and skewed definition and possibly inappropriate response to an alleged domestic violence incident. What a ripe opportunity to make serious headlines and explode the educational potential of following the Governor on a quest for enlightenment. This could be the platform to educate in a new way, break old stereotypes and shatter myths.

Governor Paterson could truly be an advocate for change by admitting that he too is not above reproach and faulty decision making in this very shameful and scary cycle. While I see how and why NOW is reacting the way they are, I would put forth my viewpoint and see if that may spur real change for masses rather than just vilifying one more individual.

This could be the opportunity for Governor Paterson to do what Tiger Woods didn’t.

Take A&E’s Intervention. An amazing show, filled with the real pain and trials that addiction submits to everyone in the system. There is no such thing as an addict in a vacuum, loved ones and the community are ultimately involved and harmed in the cycle of addiction no matter how you look at it.

They have introduced some new episode formats, like the one highlighted in the pic here, that are in-depth looks at specific types of drug classes and their impact. This particular one highlights Huffing, something that astoundingly far too many parents are not educated about or aware of. This was a powerful episode featuring not only success stories but some tragic endings as well.

I rate Intervention with 5-stars as far as its content, therapeutic viability and integrity and the educational information that is shared.

Next there is the new A&E show called Hoarders. Also touted as a therapeutic type intervention show focusing on the very real and shame-surrounded illness of hoarding. I find the show to be a bit less sound in its strength regarding therapeutic education and demonstration and a touch too voyeuristic as far as the many repeated scenes of piles of trash and belongings can be.

Although I praise A&E for their bravery in shedding light on this very real and very serious illness, I only would give it 3.5-stars due to the mild gawk-fest that it can sometimes feel like and the fact that some of the “experts” are nothing more than Professional Organizers. I would like to see more credentialed therapists and fewer Got Junk? garbage truck shots.

I would also rate the show higher if at the end, instead of posting a message along the lines of, “with the aftercare funds provided, person X plans to attend therapy”, if it stated that they are currently working in therapy. As a trained addiction professional, I see “funds provided” as a pitfall for the afflicted to go out and replenish some of the regretted losses. The lure of the old way, the pull of the “familiar bad” is more powerful than any of us truly admits.

And finally, the tragedy of what our definition of reality TV and its possibilities has fallen to, shows like The Biggest Loser and Jersey Shore. I cannot admit to having watched more than two episodes of The Biggest Loser and only one of Jersey Shore, but that was all I needed to be saddened to the core.

NBC’s The Biggest Loser empire is obviously a huge money making success, but again therapeutically, I believe it has taken far too long for this show to become serious about the very real illness of overeating, an illness that is exactly the same in its severity and life threatening potentiality as anorexia or bulimia. But our society still views individuals with this disorder as just being weak or lacking in self control, being lazy or sloppy or stupid (none of which are true). Ask any severely overweight person if they wouldn’t give anything to be healthy and the answer is a universal yes.

One particular episode I recall had the contestants battling over a “challenge”, and the challenge consisted of a huge banquet table piled high with all of their self-admitted favorite foods, their achilles heels, and the contestants were filmed struggling between their desire to win, their knowledge of being filmed, over the desire for their drug. Yes – drug.

Imagine if A&E’s Intervention used this same gimmick, and had an alcoholic presented with a table overflowing with their favorite drink, or a cocaine addict presented with a table covered in piles of glistening white flakes. The outrage would be epic, akin to torture and abuse, if not actually illegal then outright abysmally immoral.

In real life, real studies have been done somewhat along these very lines and in all cases when a severe addict was presented with the choice between $10,000 in cash or immediate access to the drug, invariably they chose the drug every time. Remember that a major tenant of addiction is immediacy.

I understand, by NBC’s trailers, that the show is now touting itself as “the only show on TV that is focused on saving lives”. While I admire this change of characterization, please refer to the above shows first and possibly rephrase that representation.

Just when you think the realm of reality TV has sunk to its lowest, along comes MTV’s Jersey Shore. The show is just actors playing out a ridiculous and insulting stereotype, there’s nothing “reality” based about it at all. Just to state the obvious, it has no therapeutic content or claims as well. There was the incident, though, where “Snooki” was punched in the face by a man in a bar, I could create an educational post about domestic violence out of this. Seriously.

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Needless to say, neither of the final 2 shows even qualify for my rating scale, it doesn’t go that low. As a person committed to helping real people make lasting change to better their lives, I cannot stand by quietly with public displays like these.

Let me know your thoughts.

I know, so many people are offput by the somewhat contrived essence of Valentine’s Day, a Hallmark cash cow and one more way for those who are un-coupled to feel even more left out. I know, I know. But that’s why I liked today’s Modern Love column in the New York Times, Explaining the Irrational: Here Goes...

It offers a look at a lot of the pitfalls of being coupled, un-coupled or not-so-sure-what-we-are. Basically, relationships are hard, confusing and messy. They are a lot of work if you want a really good one and it can take a good deal of work to get an off-track one back on track, yet that still comes in far less expensively than the d-word.

So whatever your state of coupling may be, please accept my wish for you, a wish for love filled with desire, vulnerability and bravery.

For so many, life can become seemingly unbearable in its repetition, mundaneness and predictability. This review by A. O. Scott lets us see that by not trying to make something better or different but to just live, change can occur and it can be good.

Check out this 4-minute review at the New York Times and see for yourself. Is it time that you stopped repeating yourself?

Watch this 36-minute movie and rethink your ROI on your daily grind and see if a change may be for the better for you as well. 36 minutes may be all that is standing in the way of your true happiness.

Having gone through this particular ringer, as well as years of business experience, MFT3 is well suited to be a source of support should you be ready to make some lemonade of your own.

Take a look at the end of the interview here:

Scroll in to 2:00 to see the part I am referring to. It is apparent to me, a trained clinician with depth of experience in DV, to see Ms. Richards body language shifting. I know that Oprah would never call herself a clinician, she is an entertainer, but that is exactly why I found this so poignant. Ms. Richards is obviously terribly uncomfortable. Oprah is looking to have a thorough interview, she is not trained to see that, perhaps, the alleged escalation of Mr. Sheen’s behavior has triggered something in Ms. Richards, she looks at her father in the front row for support, yet Oprah continues to ask for a better answer to her question.

What I do not believe most people understand is that DV therapy is a very slow, very gentle, very different kind of therapy than most other therapy. The therapist does not want to re-victimize the client by unwittingly continuing the stance of power and control that the perpetrator has established. A survivor may not have been the victim of physical abuse, but if a perpetrator does not seek professional assistance in changing their behavior, the pattern is always one of escalation, and allegedly, this is exactly what has happened with Mr. Sheen. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that Ms. Richards is going to shut herself down a little, have to reinforce her skills and seek safety in her answers on National TV, because she does have to be in his presence again. Oprah and we the viewers, we do not.

So my heart went out to Ms. Richards when Oprah, I believe, unwittingly assumed the role of power and control by calling her on not answering the last question, even in light of Ms. Richards looking at her father, seeking safety and support from him, yet again being pressed to do something against her will.

Domestic violence is so much more than a broken arm or an attack with a knife. Typically, many months or years of emotional, financial, verbal, psychological and even sexual abuse have taken place before the cycle is raised to a physical level. But it is a pattern of increasing escalation, no matter who the perpetrator and victim may be, famous or not, rich or poor. I see a four year battle in court to be nothing more than a continuation of the DV Mr. Sheen may have allegedly been perpetrating on Ms. Richards. What better way to ensure that she be where he wants her to be and on his terms?

I found Ms. Richards to be very brave. I completely understand her reluctance to answer questions she is not comfortable answering. I hope she continues to trust and listen to herself and not bow to others.

The video below shows part of the CBS broadcast and then delves deeper with Jane Randel of Liz Claiborne, Vice President and developer of the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum (which is available to your school or group through MFT3), and Catherine Pierce, Deputy Director for the Justice Department’s Office on Violence Against Women.

Please watch, learn, talk with your kids, and share with as many people as you can. Remember that silence perpetuates abuse and violence, speaking up can stop it.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

If you are interested in having MFT3 bring the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum to your school or group, please contact Katherine Allen at 203-416-6008 x602 or e-mail katherine@mft3.com.

Happiness, at the core, is a state of mind, a choice, and the debate ensues regarding money and its effect. I fall into the camp of belief that money is only associated to happiness based on the degree of comfort in one’s surroundings that it can create, not that it inherently causes happiness in and of itself (picture curling up in front of a fire with stacks of $20s).

But what about serious depression? I mean, if Chevy Chase, who has lots and lots of money, has trouble finding the correct anti-depressant for 6 years, what does that say about money’s role and strength regarding happiness?

In the end, it is the quality of our relationships that influences happiness, which so perfectly brings us circling back to episode 1, and so it goes.

Be prepared for MFT3 to refer to this series often regarding the multitude of topics that were so beautifully illustrated by PBS. I hope you were as moved by it as I was.

The thing that this episode, “Facing Our Fears” so poignantly expresses is that we all do have all of these feelings, but what to do when they become unmanageable? And what does unmanageable look like, really?

As a therapist I am proud of PBS for being so thorough and explicit, going to the tough place and shedding light into some commonly dark corners. I will be using these episodes as resources for current and future clients as a launching pad for conversations about grief, trauma, depression, fear, how families of the afflicted can be affected and more.

I cannot wait to see tonight’s last episode. I hope you tune in as well. If you missed episode 2, click here to view the entire 2-hour show.