The holidays present a particularly difficult time for people contemplating divorce, in the process or just recently through it. It is a time to seek more support, not less, so MFT3 will do its part by being here twice.

Contact Katherine Allen by email to reserve your spot.

Black and white cupcake

Black and white, at least in therapy, is all about thinking and has nothing to do with race, color or culture. Black and white thinking is one of the major hurdles we address and challenge in therapy and it has an ability to slip into what we call rigid thinking in so many ways. A quick definition of black/white thinking is to liken it to either/or thinking. With this type of thinking, things are very rigidly and distinctly drawn as either/or, good/bad, on/off, with me/against me, right/wrong. Yet in reality, there are very few things that can be so cleanly defined or separated. Rather, the world is host to a dizzying array of gray, many subtleties and perceptions that are all valid, viable, yet for some may not be comfortable or familiar. So in therapy, we strive to first identify where the black/white has us stuck and then challenge our perceptions to find multiple plausible alternatives and enter into the gray, or for dichotomy, the both/and place.

Both/and? Why that’s crazy talk! (overheard in a therapist’s office…) Yet when we think about it a little more, we come to realize that both/and really frees us up to embrace all of the subtleties of any given situation, giving us permission then to access a greater diversity of emotions or tools to manage what we are faced with. Hmmm, not so crazy after all, now is it?

Examples of challenging black/white and embracing both/and could be: I am both angry and sad and confused and hurt. Previously someone may have only believed that they had to choose one, I am either angry or sad. In reality, we tend to be many things at once, and when faced with choosing anger over a more vulnerable emotion, like hurt, we tend to go for anger. But this is exactly where the stuck has us trapped. If we reach for anger every time we are faced with vulnerability, we never get to the core of the feeling so we aren’t able to resolve the feeling so we are stuck in being angry that our vulnerability isn’t being assuaged. See the pattern here? Rather, by embracing both/and we are able to give voice to all of the feelings we have, including the vulnerable ones, which gives us access to a wider variety of coping tools and words to help those we are seeking help from to meet our needs better. This is a great approach for kids, too. By allowing them to be many things at once they feel validated and temper tantrums tend to become less necessary.

Like the cupcake above, it is both chocolate and vanilla and it has a tinge of lemon, it is a dessert and a treat and not good for us. By linking as many things as we’d like in the and string, we come closer to the complete experience and therefore invite in more understanding for ourselves and those around us.

Try it and see for yourself. Both/and.

So often I hear parents who are frustrated and I can see how this tool could truly help everyone; the parents, the teachers and the kids. It removes some emotionality, it uses a clear programmed and scientific approach and has useful graphing to visually see progress and share information.

(I am not being paid for this posting, I am just sharing something that I saw and feel good about)

It all started with a New York Times article about the change in 18-year olds on college campuses, how they are truly unprepared for the realities of independent thinking and decision making and that it is a crisis of parental coddling country-wide. This stance was further supported in a story in Psychology Today and how the phenomenon is one of addiction to the pattern of thought and behavior, rather than a chemical.

Which leads into the recent re-report of “The Marshmallow Test” on CBS news in which the longitudinal study of 4-year olds and the ability to wait for a greater reward (the second marshmallow) has been proven to generate more successful and self-determined adults. Hmmmmm.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=amsqeYOk–w

Next, I heard an NPR radio interview about the observers of violent video games having higher traumatic responses to the experience than those playing it:

It can actually be more intense to watch the game than to play it

Play

Which finally crystalized into my hurting myself in fits of laughter (and possibly sadness) by the following video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0VOVuxiahk

But after all is said and done, the common thread I have identified is one of a crisis of immediate gratification. It is the basis of all addiction and it unfortunately is not only ascribed to by 4-year olds desiring a marshmallow (or iPod or DS game) but by their parents too. All too often I hear parents complain about their children’s behavior issues yet in the same breath give in to a perceived societal norm, “well, how can we say no, all the other kids are doing/using it too”.

The crisis cannot be shrugged off or ignored any more. Kids are failing, employers and professors are saying no to them and they are returning home, defeated, to the very place where these mores were instilled. Since when was waiting for a long term reward associated with being bad? I remember a story about the things in life that are truly worthwhile – love, education, long-term friendship – all taking a lot of time and that bad things – the call in the night, the accident – were immediate and swift. Can we shift our society to remember that the word no is good? I have heard from education professionals that even grading has taken a hit for the worse, that rather than kids, and parents, waiting for quarterly grades to measure progress, they are considering bi-weekly grading. Where and when will it end?

Kids no longer know how to play without electronics, to make believe. I mean, “Tag” is fun! Look at sites like Streetplay.com, not just for nostalgia but for a blueprint of how to get back on track. Letting kids figure it out for themselves has great value. College freshmen are texting their parents about every little bump and bruise. Just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

How are you demonstrating the value in waiting for the second marshmallow?

Regarding Jessi Slaughter and the whole cyber bullying firestorm, this event perfectly encapsulates why tweens (and most teens) should not have access to the entirety of the internet. Here is a site that lays out the entire series of events, please watch with caution.

Turn the clock back 30 years and this same drama plays out in a tween’s bedroom in Anytown, America and there is no harm done because that’s where it stays. When you add the medium of the internet and invite in the entire world, things can go bad quickly.

Developmentally, every tween is going to experiment with personas, fantasy, imitation and release. When this is done in the safety of one’s bedroom or rumpus room, without the medium of the internet, then all is well. Who doesn’t remember grabbing a bottle of shampoo and singing along to the lyrics of Michael Jackson or Madonna (I’m dating myself). In hindsight we realize we had no idea of what the lyrics really meant, it was more about embracing the style and culture of the “now” of our childhood.

Additionally, tweendom is a phase of development when it is literally impossible for the youth brain to concieve of long term consequences for their actions, ergo why we have parents in charge. Parents MUST make it their number one job to be well versed with what the tweens are dabbling in or else make entirely sure that they have absolutely no access to this level of potential harm.

It has been quoted by the mother that “she cannot watch over her child 24/7″ so…shrug shoulders. This is not an acceptable stance. Parenting is not a task that we get to pick up or put down at will, to do only when we’re in the mood, it IS a full-time job and it IS your responsibility to monitor tweens’ activities. If you cannot or will not educate yourselves about the medium then remove all unsupervised access to the community. Set yourselves both up for an experience of success.

I post this as a cautionary tale and a visual reminder that our world has changed, that it is mandatory for parents to be aware of all online activities of their kids and to have a real grasp of what the medium offers, both good and bad. The web invites in the whole world, and even the most well-intentioned can stumble into foreign territory. Yes, they’re good kids, meaning no harm, but there are those out there who are looking to harm. It’s not appropriate to stick one’s head in the sand and state that “I just don’t understand it”. Our kids NEED us to understand it and keep them safe until they are old enough to do so for themselves.

The saddest part of this recent episode is how utterly unnecessary it was. If Jessi had been alone in her bedroom sans camera, this would not have been newsworthy, it would just have been a little girl experimenting and play acting, growing as all children do, in the safety of her home.

Parenting is the single hardest thing we do after relationship building and maintaining. Kids have this magical ability to sense our weakest moments and hone in for the kill, or so it seems at times. How tough is too tough? When is it OK to give in? What am I bringing to this kid-centric emotional mix?

Recently, many parents are reporting having a hard time with the balance of being tough and fun. We are all stretched a bit thin and so at the end of the day, when the homework isn’t done and the game is over and the shoes are still in the middle of the floor and the catbox hasn’t been cleaned out again – who wants to be “the bad guy”? Let our partner deal with it, I’m outta here. Or let me show my partner how it’s done – but are they even paying attention?

The crux of creating peace and balance at home is consistency and discipline. Kids (deep down) love knowing where the boundaries are and knowing that each time they check and the boundary hasn’t changed, this experience settles them so they can go on and play, make believe, be kids. If you are one of those parents that feels like the kids are picking you to death, then try this exercise in your home.

Ask kids what the rules are at school. In my experience they will trip over themselves to demonstrate that they absolutely know what they are. Then ask them what the rules are at home. (do we hear the sound of crickets chirping here?). If this is the case then I recommend the following: just adopt what already works. If your kids are well behaved at school, you consistently get good reports from teachers, then just implement the school rules at home. No re-inventing the wheel here, just adopt what they already know and understand. Brilliant! (or so I’ve been told)

Secondly, the words one uses makes a difference. Another seemingly brilliant yet utterly subtle shift is to use this phrase; “I am willing to allow (event/treat/activity) now, but the rule still stands”. This phrase, “I’m willing”, puts the parent back in the position of power. No longer is it kid winning over parent by relentless begging and wearing down, but parent letting kid know that it is parent who has made a decision, that they can take the decision away too. Subtle? Yes. But the underlying power message is clear.

Try it and see for yourselves.

Each pie piece animates a different experience, and visual cues like these may be the best way for us to reach teens where they are most comfortable, in an electronic environment.

I encourage every parent of a teen or pre-teen to watch these as well, to be prepared for the conversations that may accompany the viewing, and to train yourselves to see the signs in your teen of potential problems before they get too big.

If you want help in getting the conversation started with your teen, or need a neutral location to address potential problems that you may already see, please don’t hesitate to contact MFT3 and we can set up a session together.

I have created a link on this blog with all of the wellness services from the event, please use it and share it with others, and I will be adding to the list as I learn of more services or opportunities.

One thing I wonder is how all of these families can come together and assist one another in a new way. Every family is struggling with burn-out, with couple breakdown, with having too much to do and not enough time. How can a community support group be built where things like shared babysitting (of trained and skilled childcare workers) is a real option, where Moms or Dads can share in carpooling to classes or workshops. Just thoughts but I’d love to hear your feedback.

Congratulations TPSLD! Keep up the great work!

The video below shows part of the CBS broadcast and then delves deeper with Jane Randel of Liz Claiborne, Vice President and developer of the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum (which is available to your school or group through MFT3), and Catherine Pierce, Deputy Director for the Justice Department’s Office on Violence Against Women.

Please watch, learn, talk with your kids, and share with as many people as you can. Remember that silence perpetuates abuse and violence, speaking up can stop it.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

If you are interested in having MFT3 bring the “Love Is Not Abuse” curriculum to your school or group, please contact Katherine Allen at 203-416-6008 x602 or e-mail .

The subject was “Family, Friends and Lovers” and the focus was on the impact and importance of the relationships we have, our absolute need for them to be supportive and nurturing, and when things go awry, where and how to get help.

Even though the specific modality of Marriage and Family Therapy itself was not mentioned, the last part “Lovers”, where we follow the couple Monica and Phil through couples counseling, could not have been more appropriate regarding the actual experience that I have gone through so many dozens of times with couples myself. It was incredibly hopeful to me, as a therapist, that so many hundreds of thousands of people who may have outdated or misinformed ideas of what therapy is or looks/feels like were able to be witnesses to an actual, real, accurate experience.

Tune in tonight for part 2, click the link above if you missed part 1, and check back here tomorrow for more feedback, observation and learning.