More times than I can count I have been sitting across the room from a client who is troubled and confused and had them state, “just tell me what to do” or “just give me some advice”. Hmmm, this is a sticky situation because while I am thrilled that this client has come seeking change, I also don’t want them to adopt the belief or expectation that this is all there is to it, just come in, ask for advice, go away and everything will be better.

Therapy is about sitting still enough for you to tap into your own thoughts and beliefs about something and then have the therapist support you in whatever machinations are involved with facing or editing or managing that insight. We don’t sit across from people and tell them what to. Sometimes we do tell them what they are already doing and wonder how that’s working for them, but we don’t tell anyone what to do.

It’s so much more important for any individual to come to the conclusion or insight themselves and then access the belief or perspective or tools to do something different of their own accord and not because “the therapist told me to”. Because then the process is theirs and no matter how it evolves, it was their choice. If it were just us telling them what to do, how is that any different than other relationships in their lives?

In my experience, when people are told what to do they often rebel. Now, in some cases that may be an effective therapeutic intervention but I don’t believe we ever tell anyone what to do. We suggest. We wonder. We highlight options and possibilities. We clarify. We challenge and encourage and support. We do not give advice. Let’s save that for the syndicated columns.

We wish everyone a healthy and fruitful New Year.

The northeast has had quite a time these past few months, what with Hurricane Irene on Labor Day weekend, the “Arborgeddon” snow event Halloween weekend and now we are in the thick of the holiday season and all of the turmoil that it brings. This all has left me reflecting on routine and its importance in our lives.

Most of the emergency-tenored cacophony of late seems to have sprung from the interruption of peoples lives and its impact on their routines. No power, no school, no work, no heat, no parking at the mall (well, OK, that last one isn’t really so big – but when it’s coupled with the preceding few…). Interruption in our routine feels like our lives are being attacked by intruders.

The human capacity for adaptability is truly impressive. Unfortunately we still don’t like the discomfort that comes with all that adapting. Our penchant for routine, pattern and predictability serves us well when we are driving a car or learning to walk. It creates discomfort and upset when we aren’t wanting it or looking forward to it. Even small things, like wanting a new website or organizational policy. Yes, one may want the finished piece based on their observation of its effectiveness for other similar companies, but the discomfort in truly embracing the change and the shifting of power is harder than most of us give it credit. How often have we heard (or said?) “Yes, I do want it – but not that way”. At the end of the day, what we are really reacting to is a basic interruption in routine.

One of my most useful quotes comes from the halls of recovery. It states that, “Change will not happen until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change”. I have used this in a previous post, and I find it amazing and strangely comforting to see that really, when we boil most discomfort down, it all has the same base elements. Our routine (way of thinking, responding, interacting, coping, moving about, existing) has been interrupted and we are uncomfortable. Learning to sit with – and through – discomfort is what therapy is all about.

It’s true that we are all so much more the same than different. Be it recovering from loss or trauma, addiction or job loss, corporate management change or personal familial interactions, policy or pattern, it’s the pain of the interruption of routine that bristles us the most. Like Linus above, a new shirt may be prickly and scratchy at first, but give it some time and it can become your new favorite.

This holiday season when you are finding yourself snapping at someone or reacting strongly over a small thing, sit back and reflect if what you’re really reacting to may be a shift or interruption in your routine.

courtesy of simplysplendiferous.com

This time of year can become very anxiety ridden when we set unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and others to have a “perfect” holiday gathering.

Sometimes we need tools, like humor, to keep ourselves grounded and to remind ourselves that it’s just one day, one meal, one memory amongst thousands.

Relax, use the tools described in last year’s post, and then enjoy this humorous take from one woman who blogs under the title, “Eat Your Feelings”.

Recipe for Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

MFT3 wishes you and yours a relaxing and bountiful Thanksgiving.

The holidays present a particularly difficult time for people contemplating divorce, in the process or just recently through it. It is a time to seek more support, not less, so MFT3 will do its part by being here twice.

Contact Katherine Allen by email to reserve your spot.

Lisa Fournier has joined MFT3

Please join us in welcoming our newest associate, Lisa Fournier, MFT, LADC, CCDP-D, to Marriage & Family Therapy of Trumbull (MFT3).

A graduate of Fairfield University, Lisa is a seasoned professional, trained in Marriage and Family Therapy, certified and licensed in addiction counseling in Connecticut, and also certified in the treatment of co-occurring disorders. With years of work in private, non-profit and community health centers, Lisa is well acquainted with a broad spectrum of mental health issues and the interventions effective in promoting change.

Lisa is now accepting new clients; she can be contacted by e-mail or by calling 203-416-6008, x605.

At MFT3 we understand that life can come at you fast, and that’s why we’re here to help. MFT3 can be found online at http://www.mft3.com. Visit our blog at http://blog.mft3.com or join the Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/mft3page.

Our office location is at 2 Corporate Drive, Suite 211, Trumbull CT 06611. Phone: 203-416-6008, or by e-mail.

the velvet rope

It’s been hard to resist the draw of the “Rapture” scheduled for Saturday. It kind of makes posting here irrelevant, yet I am compelled to do so anyway. But what I wanted to focus on was less about “Judgement Day” and more about judgement in general.

How do we let others know our stance or beliefs about issues, topics or events? How do we clafify something that to one seems reasonable when to another it seems impossible? Where do we make room for tolerance, acknowledgement, if not understanding?

In my practice I have developed a theory (which I really should copyright or something) which I call “the Velvet Rope”. This velvet rope is the visual analogy that I use with clients to embody boundaries. Often when clients, or anyone for that matter, hears the word boundary we tend to conjure up images of brick walls, steel gates, impenetrable fortresses worthy of Get Smart.

But in reality we have many boundaries, like a velvet rope, that embody a clear signal, share information yet are open and unimposing. By that I mean that one can see past the velvet rope, it allows information to transfer freely while also setting a clear limit without force.

I introduce this theory to clients and then add in the stance of non-judgement. I don’t judge someone who puts up a velvet rope. I believe them and understand that they are telling me something that I can either agree to and conform to be allowed inside or I can choose to say no thank you and move on, all without judgement. Take the fancy restaurant as an example. You can find a velvet rope outside of one and it lets you know who they are and what is required to “play in their clubhouse” which may entail a week’s paycheck for a 5-star meal. It is a boundary that they set and then don’t hold it against the passer-by who chooses to keep looking. It conveys information to both parties; this is who we are and what is required by you (money, dress code, etc.) to join.

A velvet rope works well when we think about more emotionally charged boundaries too, like the ones we need to set with family, co-workers, or even those who believe in Judgement Day. It is informational, protective, clarifying and always, we strive for it to be non-judgemental. It’s OK that you choose one side of the rope over another, it’s not personal. This theory takes some practice but you might find it useful when setting limits with a nosy friend or a rude relation. Yes, sometimes there is initial surprise or rebuke because it wasn’t there before. But it doesn’t take long for others to get used to it and believe it and then either edit themselves to allow inclusion or for them to move on.

Boundaries don’t have to be big or mean to be effective. And they don’t have to convey judgement either.

Black and white cupcake

Black and white, at least in therapy, is all about thinking and has nothing to do with race, color or culture. Black and white thinking is one of the major hurdles we address and challenge in therapy and it has an ability to slip into what we call rigid thinking in so many ways. A quick definition of black/white thinking is to liken it to either/or thinking. With this type of thinking, things are very rigidly and distinctly drawn as either/or, good/bad, on/off, with me/against me, right/wrong. Yet in reality, there are very few things that can be so cleanly defined or separated. Rather, the world is host to a dizzying array of gray, many subtleties and perceptions that are all valid, viable, yet for some may not be comfortable or familiar. So in therapy, we strive to first identify where the black/white has us stuck and then challenge our perceptions to find multiple plausible alternatives and enter into the gray, or for dichotomy, the both/and place.

Both/and? Why that’s crazy talk! (overheard in a therapist’s office…) Yet when we think about it a little more, we come to realize that both/and really frees us up to embrace all of the subtleties of any given situation, giving us permission then to access a greater diversity of emotions or tools to manage what we are faced with. Hmmm, not so crazy after all, now is it?

Examples of challenging black/white and embracing both/and could be: I am both angry and sad and confused and hurt. Previously someone may have only believed that they had to choose one, I am either angry or sad. In reality, we tend to be many things at once, and when faced with choosing anger over a more vulnerable emotion, like hurt, we tend to go for anger. But this is exactly where the stuck has us trapped. If we reach for anger every time we are faced with vulnerability, we never get to the core of the feeling so we aren’t able to resolve the feeling so we are stuck in being angry that our vulnerability isn’t being assuaged. See the pattern here? Rather, by embracing both/and we are able to give voice to all of the feelings we have, including the vulnerable ones, which gives us access to a wider variety of coping tools and words to help those we are seeking help from to meet our needs better. This is a great approach for kids, too. By allowing them to be many things at once they feel validated and temper tantrums tend to become less necessary.

Like the cupcake above, it is both chocolate and vanilla and it has a tinge of lemon, it is a dessert and a treat and not good for us. By linking as many things as we’d like in the and string, we come closer to the complete experience and therefore invite in more understanding for ourselves and those around us.

Try it and see for yourself. Both/and.

crocuses

March has been shaping up as a banner month for MFT3 and we’d like to give a run-down of some of the highlights.

March started out with a message from the APA in which MFT3 has been chosen as a clinical field trial site for the upcoming DSM-5. This is a huge honor as MFTs have not been invited to this dance historically and with Katherine Allen, LMFT, in our little entity being among only 500 MFTs in the nation selected for this information gathering research process, well we feel pretty special about that. (here’s the FAQ)

Secondly came the great news that our associate, Erica Cannata, had sat for and successfully passed the MFT licensing exam. Horray Erica! So to her already lengthy list of credentials and accomplishments she has now added LMFT. I’m not sure we can fit all of the letters after her name on the new business cards, but just watch us make it happen!

Following this good news was the surprise honor when the AAMFT chose our blog as “blog of the week“. Being recognized on the national level for our blog is such an exciting thing. To know that this typing and sending out into the world each month is being recognized is very satisfying, someone is paying attention and appreciating the thoughts and insights that we share for those who may be contemplating therapy or looking to supplement their ongoing therapy with more information. (and now that we realize there is a larger audience, we’ll be writing more!)

actual view from actual car

Katherine Allen is also running for a seat on the CTAMFT Board of Directors and the voting is scheduled to end on March 30. Cross your fingers for her, and fellow CTAMFT members if you haven’t yet voted please do so!

And finally, on a much lighter note, it’s great to see the epic Northeast snows of winter disappear and the first signs of spring emerge. We welcome the tulip and the Robin. It’s a nice reminder that the one constant in life is change, whether we want it or not.

In closing, we hope that if you find yourself feeling stuck, there is help out there and we are happy to take your calls and answer your questions.