More times than I can count I have been sitting across the room from a client who is troubled and confused and had them state, “just tell me what to do” or “just give me some advice”. Hmmm, this is a sticky situation because while I am thrilled that this client has come seeking change, I also don’t want them to adopt the belief or expectation that this is all there is to it, just come in, ask for advice, go away and everything will be better.

Therapy is about sitting still enough for you to tap into your own thoughts and beliefs about something and then have the therapist support you in whatever machinations are involved with facing or editing or managing that insight. We don’t sit across from people and tell them what to. Sometimes we do tell them what they are already doing and wonder how that’s working for them, but we don’t tell anyone what to do.

It’s so much more important for any individual to come to the conclusion or insight themselves and then access the belief or perspective or tools to do something different of their own accord and not because “the therapist told me to”. Because then the process is theirs and no matter how it evolves, it was their choice. If it were just us telling them what to do, how is that any different than other relationships in their lives?

In my experience, when people are told what to do they often rebel. Now, in some cases that may be an effective therapeutic intervention but I don’t believe we ever tell anyone what to do. We suggest. We wonder. We highlight options and possibilities. We clarify. We challenge and encourage and support. We do not give advice. Let’s save that for the syndicated columns.

This is a reminder that the Divorce Support Group will be meeting on Tuesday, January 10 at 7pm.

Hope to see you there.

We wish everyone a healthy and fruitful New Year.

The northeast has had quite a time these past few months, what with Hurricane Irene on Labor Day weekend, the “Arborgeddon” snow event Halloween weekend and now we are in the thick of the holiday season and all of the turmoil that it brings. This all has left me reflecting on routine and its importance in our lives.

Most of the emergency-tenored cacophony of late seems to have sprung from the interruption of peoples lives and its impact on their routines. No power, no school, no work, no heat, no parking at the mall (well, OK, that last one isn’t really so big – but when it’s coupled with the preceding few…). Interruption in our routine feels like our lives are being attacked by intruders.

The human capacity for adaptability is truly impressive. Unfortunately we still don’t like the discomfort that comes with all that adapting. Our penchant for routine, pattern and predictability serves us well when we are driving a car or learning to walk. It creates discomfort and upset when we aren’t wanting it or looking forward to it. Even small things, like wanting a new website or organizational policy. Yes, one may want the finished piece based on their observation of its effectiveness for other similar companies, but the discomfort in truly embracing the change and the shifting of power is harder than most of us give it credit. How often have we heard (or said?) “Yes, I do want it – but not that way”. At the end of the day, what we are really reacting to is a basic interruption in routine.

One of my most useful quotes comes from the halls of recovery. It states that, “Change will not happen until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change”. I have used this in a previous post, and I find it amazing and strangely comforting to see that really, when we boil most discomfort down, it all has the same base elements. Our routine (way of thinking, responding, interacting, coping, moving about, existing) has been interrupted and we are uncomfortable. Learning to sit with – and through – discomfort is what therapy is all about.

It’s true that we are all so much more the same than different. Be it recovering from loss or trauma, addiction or job loss, corporate management change or personal familial interactions, policy or pattern, it’s the pain of the interruption of routine that bristles us the most. Like Linus above, a new shirt may be prickly and scratchy at first, but give it some time and it can become your new favorite.

This holiday season when you are finding yourself snapping at someone or reacting strongly over a small thing, sit back and reflect if what you’re really reacting to may be a shift or interruption in your routine.

courtesy of simplysplendiferous.com

This time of year can become very anxiety ridden when we set unrealistic expectations upon ourselves and others to have a “perfect” holiday gathering.

Sometimes we need tools, like humor, to keep ourselves grounded and to remind ourselves that it’s just one day, one meal, one memory amongst thousands.

Relax, use the tools described in last year’s post, and then enjoy this humorous take from one woman who blogs under the title, “Eat Your Feelings”.

Recipe for Estranged Family Cranberry Sauce

MFT3 wishes you and yours a relaxing and bountiful Thanksgiving.

The holidays present a particularly difficult time for people contemplating divorce, in the process or just recently through it. It is a time to seek more support, not less, so MFT3 will do its part by being here twice.

Contact Katherine Allen by email to reserve your spot.

The group will be meeting the second Tuesday of each month.

Cost is $30 per session.

I am hoping to bring together a diverse group of men and women who are all going through the very complicated experience of divorce. Some will be the leavers and some the left, but I hope we can move beyond the ex-bashing and into the healing of the pain, the process of re-defining yourselves and your relationships with your children. It’s about seeing the experience through others’ eyes and to feel less alone.

Katherine Allen, LMFT will be leading the groups, having each one be on a particular topic like building new holiday rituals, intimacy and belonging, financial changes, kids and extended family, conflict management and the like.

Please share this information with any other people in the contemplation, early or late parts of divorce.

Looking forward to getting started!! Please send your confirmation or questions to Katherine’s email.

Knowing when it's time to quit

It’s hard to say goodbye even in the best of circumstances. But at the end of the day, essentially it is the end goal of every therapy relationship to ultimately end. Yes we are seeking goodbye from the first time we meet.

Sometimes this is done in a beautiful, Hollywood-worthy way when client reaches stated goal and is healed of the problem and therapist and client come to a collective agreement that yes, it is indeed time for us to part, sad but joyful, accomplished, healed. It can be hard saying goodbye to a relationship where you have shared your deepest secrets, fears, hopes and have grown to trust in this other person, the therapist. Sometimes the therapy relationship is the only honest and healthy relationship a client has ever encountered. Yet even then, especially then, it is important to say goodbye.

Sometimes clients say goodbye in less than flattering ways. Sometimes they just stop answering their phone. Sometimes they feel the need to yell at the therapist to aid in making the break. Sometimes they even need to vilify the therapist because they might have exposed too much, there are still some unresolved raw spots throbbing in pain.

Sometimes a therapist has to essentially fire a client, kick them out of the proverbial nest, launching them into this new world that they are now ready for. Or, sometimes, into a new therapy relationship that will hopefully address the as of yet unmet needs of that client.

Regardless of how or when we say goodbye, it is always emotional. The success stories are bursting with pride and accomplishment in both parties. The bad breakups feel bad, at least to this therapist, only in that it didn’t have to end that way. The vilified ones are awful, hopefully rare, and the fear is that the client will see the whole profession through hurt lenses and never get the healing they obviously need.

Sometimes it happens on a comfortable timeline, sometimes it feels too fast, or in the case of those being pushed out of the nest, too long.

But in the end every therapist is ready and well prepared for the goodbye. The issues arise when the clients aren’t on the same page. So take this lesson and share it – saying goodbye is hard and good, especially when done with mindfulness and understanding.

And just because the issue that brought you to therapy is resolved doesn’t mean that you can never go back. Life has a way of giving us multiple challenges. Know that it is a therapist’s highest compliment when a satisfied client returns in the future, new issue in hand. We’re here to help, ready when you are. And, ready to say goodbye again and again.

(cue Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music…)

Sitting still with accountability

It’s easy to say, somewhat easy to spell, yet oh so hard to do, at least in certain situations. One situation that has a particularly prickly relationship with accountability is the one with addiction. Remember the dragon? He hates accountability. Nope, no fun at all, not for him.

Accountability seems to be a vague value for so many people. In the room of therapy, here is what it means. It means we will have to take responsibility for our actions and words. We will have to feel pain and not try to rationalize it away. We will have to ignore the urge to minimize or dramatize actual events, but relate them accurately with all their warts or modest accolades. It means some will be proud, some will judge, some will not care and some will possibly try to undermine or retaliate. It then means that we do not respond, that we accept the fact that our actions have reactions, reciprocity, and that we don’t get to always be the weavers of the tale that follows. Sometimes we have to sit with the reality of the situation and just let it be.

Man, this is hard stuff to teach in therapy! It sounds so neat and simple yet it is the undercurrent of so much of what we do. Can client A sit with the pain of an over-reaction and let it feel bad and then let it move away? Can client B sit with a stunning realization without the usual snide comeback? Can client C allow the truth of a situation to be OK and isolated and not “kitchen sink” old issues to muddy the moment?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLso0ZBqOi4

Sometimes the magic works, sometimes it doesn’t. We aren’t looking for perfection (that’s a whole other blog post) but slight shades of improvement, insight, to string together a few successes and allow them to resonate more than the old pattern.

Come on in, the water’s great!

not-so-scary dragon

Dragons are all around us, it’s just that we can’t see them. Well, we can if we redefine them properly. Fire breathing dragons are the hosts of addiction. Yes addiction. And, unfortunately, addiction is all around us.

Addiction can take many forms and the most obvious are of course the worst examples. When we discuss the term “alcoholic” in session we have to work hard to eradicate the instant image of someone who is dirty, homeless, toothless and living under a bridge. As one client put it recently, “alcoholism” wears a suit and takes the train to the city every day.

Addiction is the term we prefer to use because it has fewer stereotypic images associated with it. And addiction is easier for people to associate to things other than alcohol or drugs; it doesn’t take much to illuminate how behaviors like gambling, shopping, cutting, bulimia and workaholism are all forms of addiction as well. This helps open up space to embrace new definitions of addiction, to make it more personal and easier to relate to for many.

Once we clear that hurdle, then comes the dragon. I use a fire breathing dragon as my visual analogy for what addiction really is. Addiction starts, for everyone, with the simple yet dangerous statement of, “I can’t handle _____”. This phrase, spoken from our innermost place, is the calling card for the dragon. Now, the person in pain or despair or fear has a new buddy, a fire breathing dragon. The dragon appears at one’s shoulder and says, “Hey, I hear you can’t handle _____. Well guess what? I’m a fire breathing dragon and I can handle anything! So let me help you.” To the person in turmoil this seems like a gift, a blessing, a quick fix, and so they entertain the idea. But then, the dragon adds, “Well, you see, I can help protect you from _____, but you’ll have to do something for me too.” (play the Jaws theme here). “I’ll need you to provide me with [alcohol, shopping, gambling, heroin, bingeing, etc...] to give me strength to battle the _____ that you can’t handle”. Ut oh. Remember that there’s no such thing as something for nothing, right? And folks, once the person agrees, just like that we now have addiction. Yep, it’s that easy, simple, small and harmless, on the surface, at the beginning. Unfortunately, things change rapidly as the dragon has a much more voracious appetite for the “thing” that it needs to fuel itself to battle the _____ of the person. And as time goes on the person, who has had to lie, cheat and steal to satisfy the dragon, feels that they have sacrificed so much to the dragon that, well heck, I guess we’re in this for the long haul, the dragon is the only one I can rely on, yadda yadda yadda. (In addiction we call this minimization, rationalization, projection and denial)

ALL dragons are scary

Addiction is very gentle and loving at the beginning but it evolves extremely rapidly. Nobody wakes up one day and says to themselves, “I think I’ll become and addict today!” But it happens everyday. If you slow down enough you will see dragons all around you.

Good thing that therapists are trained to see and slay dragons. (yes, hard to put on a resumé, but results don’t lie)